


Papaoutai

by RokiRiot



Series: Metamorphosae [2]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Accidental Self-Harm, BAMF Lee, Brotherly Love, Depression, Dissasociation, Drug Abuse, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Imprisonment, Itachi needs a hug, Lee Needs a Hug, Light Romance, M/M, Murder, One-Sided Devotion, Pre-Relationship, Sasuke needs a hug, Symbiotic Relationship, Torture, happy place
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-01
Updated: 2021-01-12
Packaged: 2021-03-01 20:47:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 18
Words: 38,820
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23943343
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RokiRiot/pseuds/RokiRiot
Summary: A flash of white hot light burnt the sky a terrifyingly pale color, and Lee took comfort in that second.As a shinobi, Lee has learned how to serve and protect, to give and give without thinking about what he might lose. As Gai continues to abuse their relationship, Lee takes comfort in his silent (and perhaps deadly) obsession with Itachi Uchiha. A story about madness before healing.
Relationships: Hyuuga Hinata/Uzumaki Naruto, Rock Lee & Maito Gai | Might Guy, Rock Lee/Uchiha Itachi, Uchiha Itachi & Uchiha Sasuke
Series: Metamorphosae [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1726027
Comments: 14
Kudos: 54





	1. Forces Internal

**Author's Note:**

> I will _never never NEVER_ write rape scenes, but there are moments when it gets dodgy here. I do not own Naruto.

The force of it sent waves of pressure so tangible that even Neji did not need to use his Byakugan to see. A flash of white hot light burnt the sky a terrifyingly pale color, and Lee took comfort in that second.

They hadn't meant to interrupt. But as shinobi of Konoha, it was their duty to uphold justice within the Land of Fire. At least, that was Lee's excuse to satisfy his curiosity. And though Neji argued that it would be unwise to make moves without the express permission of the Hokage, Lee had been prepared to retaliate. They were outside of any known village, which would avoid any casualties, and any interference. 

Besides which, it was not as though they had never gotten into a random fight before. Lee knew Neji would agree, so he didn't wait for his sigh, which he heard despite the distance between them.

Lee had never seen Uchiha Itachi in person. He'd only ever been warned about him, he heard rumors of him, but he was always, without fail, elsewhere when Itachi seemed to be attacking them or the village. 

He didn't know why he was so thrown off guard when he laid eyes upon him for the first time. He had never considered the youngest remaining Uchiha to be even remotely good looking. Knowing this, he was unsure why his heart stuttered in his chest and a painful squeeze caught him round the hips when he saw Itachi. 

It was unlike anything he'd ever felt, and he was thrown off because he couldn't discern it as good or bad. He was glad, or at least relieved, when he was chosen to fight Itachi, which threw him off even more. 

This was the man who'd massacred an entire clan, in one evening no less. That meant that he'd finished off countless powerful women and men and stared coldly into the face of children and slayed them. It put a malicious shiver in him thinking of it, and it put caution into his actions.

But it also put a sharpness in his eye, because he was sure that Itachi knew what Lee was painstakingly finding out.

The fight began much less like a fight and more as an intervention. Lee did not want to wait for TenTen to give either party a verbal warning, as he feared it would ruin his upper hand. Lee was well aware of the genius Itachi was said to be. 

Lee could not describe the fight to anyone, although he had been _a part_ of it. Nonetheless, if he tried, he would have said this: it was like watching TenTen throw her kuni, the glint of them flying through the moonlight, and Neji’s sharp eyes and hands gliding to redirect them. Lee did not understand why they wanted to practice _that_ in secret until just the moment when Itachi caught the back of his thigh with his calf.

Yet he still didn’t know how to put that feeling into words.

Somehow, as he tried to find the answer, as he tried to grasp the thing that might keep him from slipping into an unknown precipice, he fought harder. If he had been aware, Lee would have realized that he had never fought harder in his life. His strength and speed began to border the power of the gates, so frenzied he became. 

He was so lost whirling black hair and glancing beady red eyes, tired face, and why _why **why**_ that Lee didn’t realize he had won the fight until TenTen leaned down next to him and said, “What are we going to do with him?”

Itachi lay on the shore of the beach, breath so shallow that Lee thought he had killed him. His eyes were half open, but even Lee could tell he was not conscious. Lee bent down to carry him and felt a sharp pain in his ribcage. He took a quick breathe, and felt his temple explode with pain. As he grabbed one of Itachi’s arms, he realized some of his fingers, and maybe even his wrist, were broken.

“What are you- Lee, you’re injured, we have to-,” Neji started, but Lee slogged him over his shoulders and straightened out. It would be a hard journey.

“I am taking him back,” he said. Neji’s mouth opened in surprise.

“To where!? Lee, he’s a-... We can’t just,” began TenTen in a panic, but Lee looked over his shoulder, over the slope of Itachi’s back at her. He could not explain himself. He wanted to understand the feeling he had gotten before the fight. He wanted to know why Itachi had fought him like that. He said, “I will lead.”

***

Lee thought it would have been a much bigger deal. Yet only the Hokage and a small medical team came to meet them at the gates. Lee felt his exhaustion press into him as Itachi was lifted from his shoulders. Yet somehow his body floated behind as they took him to the medical center. Lee could hear the doctors telling him that they would get him into a room soon- right away, but he still followed Itachi’s immobile body until someone called him.

“Rock Lee,” said the Hokage. Lee paused. They were taking Itachi into the ICU. Lee did not need to- and probably would not be able to- go there. He lowered his head, feeling as though he would be reprimanded.

“You faced a hard battle today... You need to get healed. Come with me,” she said. He wandered after her, replaying his recent fight. Itachi’s hair shining like black kuni under the midday sun, his hands sharp and fast like Neji, or maybe faster.

Lee didn’t notice the healing the Hokage did on him, so lost in thought about the battle he was.

“Want to talk about it,” the Hokage asked. Her eyes were such a piercing blue that Lee was confused about what she meant. Panic swelled inside him and then disappeared just as quickly. 

“I... I do not know how,” he said, “I have never fought someone like...”

Tsunade gave him a grim smile and said, “You must have been fighting for your life from the very beginning. Otherwise I don’t know how you made it out alive, much less with just these injuries.”

“I...,” Lee hadn’t been fighting for his life. He had been fighting for something else, he just didn’t know what that was. He looked at the floor.

“But you made it, you’ll be alright with some bed rest. At least two weeks of it,” she said, eyeing a cot by the window pointedly. He moved to sit up on it. He was lost, and he wanted to tell someone. Tsunade began to make her way to the door, “Once you’re all settled in, let the nurse know. You’ve got a couple of visitors already.”

Panic swelled in Lee again, this time at the idea of visitors. He had somehow earned a hospital room alone, and he did not- he could not-...

He wasn’t ready.

“Hokage-sama,” he stopped her, hoping his fear wouldn’t come out in his voice, “May I make a request?”

Tsunade looked at him considerately and nodded once strongly. Perhaps she thought capturing Uchiha Itachi alive was worth a reward, “Alright, shoot, kid. Although if it’s about money, you and your teammates will have to work out splitting it evenly.”

“Oh, no, I am not interested in the reward money,” he said, although TenTen would probably tell him to think before he made decisions like that, “If you... If it is... not too much of a hassle... could I request not to have any visitors?”

Tsunade’s eyes went wide with surprise, then looked at him once again, as if trying to see what he was not saying aloud. He knew anyone would be surprised. Lee loved company. 

He used to love company. 

It was nice- so nice- to be alone, to not think about who might be coming to say hello, get close, touch, hug, love on him. He didn’t need those kinds of things, anymore. Silence and solitude was good. He had little to be afraid of when he was alone.

He suppressed a frown. He was making himself feel like a-

“Well, if that’s what you want... If it’ll discourage you from trying to cut your rest short, I’ll make sure no one comes through.”

_Coward._

“Thank you so much, Hokage-sama,” he said, trying not to sag in relief. She watched him more, and he hated the involuntary burn, the shuddering displeasure coursing through him. He sat still for her eyes. She wouldn’t hurt him, he reminded himself. She could help him the most, if he told her the truth. He bit his tongue until it ached painfully.

“Rock Lee... During that fight, did you ever once think of the risk to your teammates’ lives? To _your_ life?”

It was a surprising question. It reminded Lee of his recklessness as of late. Not that he wanted to admit that. Not that he was thinking anyone else was noticing, either. At least he hoped not. He wracked his mind for an answer, wondering if he should be ashamed, but couldn’t find it within himself.

...“I... I was not fighting for my life... I think... I was fighting for his.”

Tsunade looked at him in surprise once more, and then smiled a gentle smile that he thought was reserved for some of his more foolish moments. She said, “You really are something, Lee.”

***

Lee slept well in the hospital. Even though his dreams were often plagued with swirling red eyes he knew he shouldn’t fall into, and large hands that promised to be good, so good to him, but never were. 


	2. Abdication

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _He had little to be afraid of when he was alone._

Lee’s recklessness didn’t come in the obvious forms of jumping in front of strikes meant for his allies, or over exerting himself during training, so that his legs and lungs and heart burned and tore.

It came in more commonplace, but similar ways. 

For example, punching the training stump with more force than in his regular training. Slamming his hands into it until the wood caught on his rough skin and tore through. Letting his hands go numb in pain, and not dressing the wounds properly, and punching the stump again the next day. 

Not like punishing himself, he thought. He just wanted to know what would happen if he continued on in this way. 

For example, going swimming right after training, when his legs would be pleasantly weak from use. Submerging his head to see how long could hold his breath, or trying to swim in currents that were just shy of being too fast.

For example, adding extra locks to his doors, so that when Gai-sensei showed up, he would hear all of the slides and clicks, and understand what Lee was trying to tell him without words. 

It took two weeks of being on bedrest to decide what his next reckless act would be. Not that Lee was intentionally thinking of hurting himself just to see if he could and recover. In fact, he had only thought momentarily about the pain of this next act. 

This time, it had been freedom that was motivating him. 

He didn’t actually think he would ever be _free,_ not really. Gai was still his mentor, still his first parental figure, still lived in the same village as him. He still stalked the shadows of Lee’s dreams. He doubted any of those things would change after today. 

Still, he had to know what would happen. 

“Gai-sensei,” Lee tried to keep an even tone as he approached the man. He looked surprised and delighted to see Lee, who himself was _not_ surprised. Tsunade had made sure no one but the nurses had seen him during his two week stay. He didn’t consider Gai would be hurt, and he evidently wasn’t, but it was obvious he had been missed. 

Lee nodded politely at Kakashi, Asuma, and Iruka. He was glad that none of the other shinobi his age were here. They would be giving him concerned looks. The only looks coming from Gai’s peers were slightly exasperated and maybe a bit relieved Lee was there. 

“Lee, my Wonderful, Exuberant Student! I’m glad you’re here! You are sparkling with the Spirit of Youth!”

Lee did his best to smile at his sensei, but he could feel it coming out twisted and crooked from nerves, “Thank you, Gai-sensei. Tsunade-sama and Sakura-sama made sure I got the utmost rest.”

Not that they could have stopped his dreams or anxiety about this moment. Gai’s eyes searched his. He let his smile remain on his face. When the man decided to wrap him up in a hug he forced himself to remain lax, but he didn’t hug back. He hadn’t realized before, but he was almost as tall as Gai. Tall enough to rest his chin on his shoulder, at least. He let his face remain painfully blank as well, but lowered his eyes so Iruka couldn’t read the panic in them.

He didn’t even flinch as Gai’s hug became almost unbearably tight, obviously waiting for him to hug back. When the hug had dragged on for uncomfortably long, Lee said, “Gai-sensei, I have been thinking about something, and would like to talk to you about it.”

When his sensei didn’t let go, he put an arm on his bicep, and squeezed. To their comrades, it probably looked like a gentle grip. Lee had always been stronger than most people, so he continued to dig his fingers into Gai’s arm until he winced almost imperceptibly. Lee did smile then, a long stretch of lips that was unintentionally hopeful. 

While Gai let him go, he didn’t, though he did loosen his grip just a bit. Lee smiled at his sensei. His heart was thundering from the hug; from his idea.

“I feel honored that you would confide in me, Lee!”

Lee forced his smile not to twitch in disgust. It was at himself, his weakness. 

He pulled a bit on Gai’s arm, away from the group, “I will return Gai-sensei to you in just a bit! Thank you so much!”

Lee led them to the training grounds he usually used, because it was deserted at that time of day, but it was also _outside._

That fact didn’t stop Gai from leaning close to him. He flinched away at full force, putting two whole bodies’ worth of space between them in one move. Gai frowned thoughtfully at him, and Lee trembled in wonder. So Gai would be amenable to thinking about this, for once. Or perhaps that was just wishful thinking.

“... Stop, Gai-sensei.”

They looked at each other for a long time. Gai smiled, but for the first time it was unsure, “Are you still in pain? I’m sorry, Lee! Let’s go to the-”

“I am not in any physical pain, Gai-sensei... Thank you,” he replied. He said nothing about his emotional pain, his daily ponderings.

Did Gai really love him? Really? 

Sometimes he thought about the betrayal so much, he was sick with it.

Gai’s face became even more confused. Lee closed his eyes for a second, then let just a bit of his pain- his _hurt_ \- leak through. If anyone knew how to read him, it was Gai. Even after everything, that was still true. It would probably still be true after.

“Lee-..? What..?”

“I _want_ you to _stop_ , Gai-sensei. T-to stop... coming to my house,” he said, cursing a tremor in his voice, “To stop kissing me on the mouth in public. I do not want to... h-h-hold hands o-o-or... do _that_ anymore.”

Even before Gai had deflowered him, Lee had been very modest. Even though he had thought of Sakura and perhaps TenTen or ( _very_ secretly) maybe Naruto and declaring his love jubilantly, he hadn’t thought too deeply about intimacy or sex.

Gai had the audacity to look hurt. Lee felt his heart stutter. This was the pain he had been waiting for, with this experiment. The look of pain, and the resounding call in his own heart. 

“Oh, I... did not know you felt that way,” Gai said, and Lee couldn’t believe it was that easy. He couldn’t believe he had wasted almost _four years_ of his life instead of speaking up. 

He felt weak. He was a coward.

“I... You have always been... Will always be my most precious mentor... You have been like a _father_ to me,” he impressed. At one point, those things had been truer than life and death. Inside, Lee screamed.

_I trusted you! You were supposed to care for me, not **hurt** me!!_

Gai didn’t so much as flinch. Lee wished he had said it harder. 

“Oh,” he said again, “Well... I... am. I’m sorry, I...”

Lee knew he should wait for Gai to say his piece, because there was no room for misunderstandings on this. But, the coward inside him put its tail between his legs, and he stumbled back further.

“I am glad I was able to say this, Gai-sensei. I hope you will not think less of me,” _even though I think less of you,_ “I will see you later, Gai-sensei! I have something very important to do before the evening!”

He took large, bounding hops around Gai, giving him a wide berth as though he expected something to happen right then. It was a strange mix of sadness, relief, and satisfaction to leave Gai standing in the dust there. He completely forgot about returning him to their comrades.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To the readers: You are not, and never will be a coward for not speaking up for yourself. Experiences like the one written here are hard to deal with. Trauma changes the way we think and behave. Be kind to yourself. No matter how long it takes (or took) to work up the courage, you can (have, _will_ ) do this.


	3. A Good Dog Begs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _He didn’t actually think he would ever be free, not really. Gai was still his mentor, still his first parental figure, still lived in the same village as him. He still stalked the shadows of Lee’s dreams._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: Implied Sexual Assault! Dissociative Episode! (Not accurate, but still, beware.) Skip to the first PAPAOUTAI break, and you will still be able to follow the context of the story.

There was a knock on Lee’s font door. His heart dropped. 

No one should be knocking at that hour. Everyone knew he was an early to rest, early to rise type, even people who didn’t expressly _need_ to know. He had left dinner with his friends (after so long, with his _friends_ who he saw everyday but missed so much) early to be ready for bed. A lot had happened in one day, and Lee had wanted to decompress. 

The knock punched him out of meditation so hard that he fell forward. His anxiety ratcheted up, and he thanked everything that he was in his bedroom and not the main living room. His lights were off, except for a small candle that had the gentle scent of the ocean. He crept forward and blew it out. He took deep breaths, trying to calm his heart enough to listen past his room.

The knocking began again. 

Lee debated sliding into bed and his fear ratcheted up another notch. His window had a fire escape, and while he kept it tightly locked, he doubted it would take a lot to break it open. He slid out of his bedroom, and toward the kitchen. He had a few defensive weapons there, not that he was thinking of using them. He just wanted to be safe. 

He hated feeling like a fugitive ronin in his own house. 

He stood in his kitchen, letting the knocking on his door end. There was no sound for a long time. He told his heart to be quiet. He strained his ears for sound, _anything._ He braced his hands on his kitchen table, right hand close to the rack of kitchen knives. He could hear himself breathing, the slowing thump of his own heart, the ticking of his analog clock. He listened to see if he could hear the fire escape out of his window creaking, the hinges breaking, anything, but nothing was forthcoming. He breathed a sigh of relief and let his shoulders drop. 

“Lee.”

He spun so fast he knocked his kitchen utensils down. They clattered loudly onto the floor, mimicking the sound of Lee’s heart as he stared Gai down. His mentor’s face was placid, almost concerned, but cast in the darkness of Lee’s apartment, it was ominous.

“Sensei-... How did you get in here,” he asked, even though he wanted to tell him to leave. Gai tilted his head and smiled gently. It didn’t show all his teeth, like normal, but was a softening of his eyes. His mouth upturned gently, like he was unsure if he should smile, and Lee was a beast who frightened easily.

“I wanted to talk to you... about earlier.”

Lee remained silent. The darkness creaked around them both.

“I... I’m sorry, Lee. I didn’t know you felt that way about our relationship.”

He could feel his heart sinking down, an instinct from being a shinobi for so long. His legs trembled in weakness, telling him he wouldn’t be able to leap if he needed to.

"I wanted to... correct my mistakes," Gai said, leaning in, "Perhaps I have been too forceful with you? I'm sure that I can be more gentle towards you, if that is what you need..."

He stepped in closer. Lee shook his head. Sound caught in his throat. He flinched, and Gai grabbed his arm. It was simple at first; a warm pressure that made Lee's skin crawl. His fingers began to squeeze hard. It was harder than Lee had ever been grabbed before. It forced the sound out of Lee's throat, "Gai-sensei, please stop."

He meant to say it with more force. Gai placed his mouth over Lee's, but the younger man twisted his head away, "Stop..! _Stop_ Gai-sensei!"

He was being loud now. Loud enough for the blood to rush in his ears. His _flight_ mechanism had kicked in. He kicked out his feet, shinobi training in the wind. He pulled his arms back, out, away, but Gai's fingers squeezed like a hydraulic press, unconcerned for the matter beneath them. 

“L-let..! I do not want to! Let go of me! Sensei, _STOP!”_

He was wrenched forward. His feet slipped and he could feel the sharp edge of one of his knives dig into him. He gasped, and his back was slammed into the table behind him. Gai’s mouth placed itself over his as he curled in pain. 

“Please be calm, Lee. You will make this harder for me to show you,” he said, rubbing his lips on Lee’s face. Shock, cold and anesthetic, pulled Lee’s world into a small black hole. He weakly tried pulling again, his foot in pain, but he knew nothing would change. 

Nothing had changed.

_**P a p a o u t a i** _

Lee’s happy place was quiet. It was a place he had seen at the edge of the Land of Fire, close to the Wave Island, on the edge of the Kaizoku Sea. He remembered how beautifully the white light had sparkled through the branches and across the emerald water.

It had been the first time Lee had come across a marsh. Everything was vicious with life. Everything had sparkled and hummed. The water skeeters had slid out of the way of their long boat, and he had felt the cool waters on his fingers.

He was calm. 

Usually, when he was in his happy place, he took someone with him. Only one person, with whom he hadn’t talked in a while. Sometimes it was Sakura, Neji, or TenTen. More often, lately, Naruto and Tsunade appeared. Naruto would prattle on about Sage Mode and being recognized, about training and what he thought about meeting other jinchuuriki. Lee would let himself listen, because he was afraid of what he might say. 

Tsunade would lecture him on proper body care, about retaining strength by properly eating and resting. She would sometimes stay quiet, drinking from a seemingly bottomless sake cup, and looking at him with sad, knowing eyes. He would smile and ask her about stories of her youth. 

This time, when the sunlight glanced off the walls of Lee’s subconscious, deep blue-black hair met him. Eyes red like the last burst of sunlight on the horizon caught him and held him still. He shuddered, and the white light faded to match the color staring him down, until its owner’s white skin was also red. 

Lee took deep, calming breaths. 

“I apologize,” he said calmly. A slow blink in reply. He licked his lips, “Perhaps you did not want to be brought back to the village. But rather than letting someone else kill you, I wished you could have a life you would like.”

The sharingan user barely moved, didn’t so much as raise a brow, “I have no interest in your opinion about me.”

Lee smiled ruefully, “I know. That is why I am unsure why you are here.”

A snort, “I can’t tell you that.”

“I know. How old are you?”

Itachi blinked. Lee began to entertain himself with idle chatter, “You do not look too much older than myself or Sasuke, but I cannot be sure. Hm... I will guess somewhere in your mid twenties... twenty five or twenty six. Perhaps you were my age when your family was killed.”

“I killed them,” Itachi said, without remorse.

Lee nodded somberly, “That does not change the fact that you lost your family.”

A look of surprise, perhaps in the way one sharp eyebrow propped up. It was a look Lee could imagine on the eldest Uchiha. He almost laughed. Almost. 

“I am sorry,” he said instead.

“I don’t need your apologies. Neither can I hear them.”

Lee nodded again, “I will be sure to remember to be concise when we next speak.”

Itachi closed his eyes, but the red atmosphere seemed to bleed through, making the red dots below almost visible, “When we first speak.”

Lee nodded. Though it was dyed a muddy, unsettling color, he dipped his hand into the water and let the coolness lull them into companionable silence.

_**P a p a o u t a i** _

When Lee came to, he was standing in the outermost forest just before the village wall. He was covered in sweat, his foot ached terribly, and if he had to guess it was ten in the morning.

A self assessment told him he’d showered but hadn’t wrapped his foot. Perhaps Gai had put on salve and dressed it after he had finished with Lee, but those were gone now. Lee dug the gash into the bottom of his shoe and let the pain cause wracking shivers. He felt hazy, dizzy, and disgusted. He shoved his foot down again, shuddering in pain and satisfaction. 

He decided, since he couldn’t remember how many laps he had done, that he would just have to start from zero.


	4. In Deep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Everything was vicious with life. Everything had sparkled and hummed. The water skeeters had slid out of the way of their long boat, and he had felt the cool waters on his fingers._
> 
> _He was calm._

Neji decided he’d waited at the training grounds long enough by about eleven o’clock. As soon as it struck, he went immediately to seek out Sakura, who was the next as likely, right next to TenTen, to know where Lee would be. 

As soon as they laid eyes on each other, they both knew that the other didn’t know where he was. Still, Sakura asked, “Have you seen Lee? He didn’t come in this morning for his active duty check up.”

“I thought he might be here,” Neji replied, “Tsunade made it clear we needed to have a discussion about our guest.”

They frowned at each other. Sakura said, “He’s usually at training field nine...”

Neji shook his head shortly. Sakura seemed to grow on edge. She said, “There’s been something... off about Lee, lately. I thought he was okay, yesterday. He seemed fine at dinner.”

Neji said, “He’s been... more focused on missions lately. More... adamant.”

“Oh, hey, Neji,” Naruto called, then paused at the atmosphere between them. His eyebrows went down in apprehension. 

“Have you seen Lee,” Neji cut to the chase. Naruto’s brow seemed to relax a fraction as he understood.

“Nah, but he’s been swimming a lot lately. Like... a lot. Am I the only one that thinks Bushy Brows has been acting funny?”

Sakura and Neji shared a look that told Naruto all he needed to know. Sakura said, “Can you find him with your chakra, Naruto?”

He blinked, putting on a concentrated face for a second, then nodding, “He’s at the northern lake, just after the waterfall part. If you’re gonna go find him, I’ll go too. I wanted to talk to him about training stuff.”

They didn’t talk about the thinly veiled excuse it was, but all took off in the same direction. They reached the forest preceding the river in question, and met the bounding steps of Kiba. 

“Hey, Dog Breath! What are you doing around here,” Naruto called, running astride his childhood friend. Expecting a short look, Naruto felt a fear rocket through him when Kiba’s panicked eyes met his. 

“This whole place smells like blood, Naruto,” he said. Akamaru barked and strode faster. 

“Oh fuck,” Naruto hissed, scrambling after him. 

When they reached the short clearing that held the loud roar of the waterfall, there was no one there. Akamaru and Kiba shuffled over to a spot where Lee’s clothes, pack, and shoes were all placed neatly together. 

“His shoe’s covered in blood,” Kiba said, and sniffed the air. 

“What has that idiot gotten himself into _now,”_ Neji asked, but they could all hear the panic laced in its tightness. Sakura searched the almost rapids, trying to catch any hint of Lee. A shiny black head of hair burst from below it’s depths, preceded by two strong, pale hands. 

Lee swam through the rapids as fast as any fish, his arms stroking powerfully, back working against the stream. 

“Lee! Get out of there right now,” Sakura said. Lee didn’t hear her. He simply pulled his head up in short bursts, breathing heavily on each pull. 

“Is he wearing his fuckin weights,” Naruto asked incredulously. He quickly hopped over the water, stopping in front of the working body. Just as Lee was about to go back under, he snatched one of his arms and pulled him out. He moved them both to the river bank, setting Lee down roughly on his back. 

Sakura looked down at him for a moment before her doctor brain kicked in. Lee was pale, way _way_ too pale. His upper arms and elbows had purple bruises that shone brightly against his almost ghostly pale skin. He also had a bruise on his hip that Sakura only caught because she was giving him a whole body scan. It was mostly covered by his boxers, which pooled darkly across his hips. 

He huffed for breath even though he’d been out of the water long enough. Sakura knelt down beside him, putting her hand to his jugular.

His heartbeat was weak, and he was _cold._

 _“Fuck,”_ she hissed right away, leaning down to check his feet, “Hey, Lee, don’t fall asleep, okay? Okay? Can you hear me?”

“Yeah,” he murmured between gasps. His foot was bleeding into the ground below him, and he was doing a twitching shiver. His toes were beginning to take on a ferocious shade of blue, as were his lips.

“What the fuck were you thinking,” Neji said, kneeling down to slide his weights off his ankles. He noticed immediately that they were much heavier than the ones he usually wore. How he swam without drowning was beyond Neji. 

“Dunno,” Lee mumbled.

“Sakura, should I- What do you need me to do,” Naruto asked, obviously panicking now. 

“He’s really cold, can you warm him up? I don’t know if your chakra can do that- I need to stop the bleeding,” she said quickly, focusing on his foot. It wasn’t a long cut, but it _was_ deep, nicking a vein, and was starting an infection. 

“I think he went running before he got here. The smell of it is all around the village,” Kiba said, bringing over his clothes and shoes, one crusted in red and brown blood.

“What the hell, man,” Naruto said, trying to cover Lee in a blanket of warm Kyuubi chakra. A weak hand came up to try to push him away.

“Hate it,” he mumbled, pushing Naruto’s hand weakly, “Stop.”

“You shoulda thought of that before you got in the water,” Naruto shouted at him, pushing harder with his chakra, “Keep it up, _KEEP IT UP!_ Want me to restrain you!?”

That seemed to drain _all_ the energy out of Lee. His arms flopped down, his eyes lolled away, and he fell limp. 

“Hey, hey,” Sakura said, “don’t fall asleep yet, not yet.”

Lee’s body began to shiver harder. He whined, and tears started pouring out of his eyes, pooling with the water on the dirt. 

“Put him on Akamaru’s back! We can take him to the hospital real quick,” Kiba said. They waited for Sakura’s signal, and then Naruto heaved the soaking wet man onto the back of the beast. If he minded, Akamaru didn’t so much as yip. 

As soon as they arrived at the hospital, Sakura rushed away with Lee, leaving Naruto, Kiba, Neji, and Akamaru standing at the entrance looking dumbfounded.

“What the fuck was that,” Naruto asked, “Anybody else confused as I am?”

Neji’s lips twisted in the thought that yes, but he couldn’t admit it. Kiba shifted a bit, mumbling, “I knew shit was weird, but this was a lot... I gotta go tell the pack about what happened. My mom’s panicking and the dogs are freaking out.”

“I’ll fill you in on Lee later,” Naruto said, nodding him away.

**_P a p a o u t a i_**

When Lee became aware for the second time, he was groggy, and he was in a bed. It was terribly bright outside, and it smelled like antiseptic. A heart monitor beeped next to his head. He ached, and he was far too warm.

He shifted and pushed the sheets off of himself. His limbs were weak. Someone repositioned the sheet a bit.

“Hey, hey... don’t move those. You’re just recovering from hypothermia,” Sakura said. Lee felt confusion overtake him, and he sat up. He peered around the room. Neji, Naruto, and TenTen were there, giving him various degrees of strange looks. 

“How did I... get here,” he asked, closing his eyes for a moment. The lights were a different type of bright to what he felt he’d been seeing. 

Sakura looked at him patiently, then asked, “Do you remember what you were doing before you fell asleep?”

Lee frowned, “I do not... remember falling asleep.”

Sakura tried not to look alarmed, but she had this little tick in her eyebrows that Lee had learned to read. He closed his eyes to the sight again, trying not to show how badly it was affecting him.

“We had dinner that night,” TenTen asked, “Do you remember that?”

Lee inferred it had been at least a few days and panicked. He forced himself to nod as calmly as possible. 

“And you left early,” Neji said, his voice hard against Lee’s ears. He didn’t mean to, didn’t know where the energy for it came from but he flinched. Turned his head to the side.

“I remember that,” he said softly. 

“Can you remember what you did after you left from there,” Sakura asked gently, patiently, without weight. He licked his lip and pushed himself up straighter.

“I went home to meditate before bed. I wanted to... be up early for my active duty check up. Do some taichi in the morning so I was completely centered.”

Sakura nodded, seeming to encourage him to keep speaking on his own, but he couldn’t. He shook his head, “I went to my kitchen and I cut my foot. And then-...”

_Don’t remember, don’t remember, don’t remember._

_“How_ did you cut your foot,” Sakura asked. 

Lee shook his head, “I do not remember.”

“Okay, so... you cut your foot in the kitchen... did you drop something,” Naruto asked helpfully. Lee shook his head again, but once he started he couldn’t stop. 

“I do not remember.”

“Alright, so what _do_ you remember,” Neji asked impatiently. Lee shook his head slowly, and the ache on his arm became more acute. It began to itch. He brought his nails up to scratch it. His mind started to feel fuzzy. The beeping of his heart monitor faded away. His field of vision grew smaller.

“I was... in the boat... And then I was doing my training, but I could not remember leaving my house... I lost count of how many laps I ran so I started over, and then it was too much, and I wanted to go back into the water, so I went to the river to swim and it was nice like the boat, so I swam until the boat came back.”

His arm itched so much, it was burning, and scratching was not making it stop. A warm hand moved his fingers away and covered the place where it burned. He looked down and watched Sakura heal his arm. Had he been scratching that hard? The itch slowly disappeared. 

“What boat,” Neji pressed. Lee closed his eyes again and the marsh flashed before his eyes. Blue black hair swayed in the breeze.

“I... cannot explain it,” he said, feeling himself slipping partially away. 

“Well _try,_ ” Neji snapped, “We found you half dead in the river, and you’re saying you did that to yourself on purpose-...”

Lee flinched.

 _“Neji,”_ TenTen snapped back, “He’s not our hostage! Stop talking to him like that!”

Lee looked at his bloody fingers and then away. He was worrying his friends. Even though he had sworn not to worry them with this when it all started. This was worse than complaining; he had let this affect his status as a shinobi.

“May I have some water,” he asked politely. Sakura quickly poured him a glass. The cool water in his hand and mouth made him feel more calm. He used the long drink to think of what he wanted to say. When he was done, he looked back at his friends and gave them an apologetic smile. 

“I am sorry I caused you so much worry. I... have been a bit stressed lately now that... I think the fight with Itachi Uchiha took more out of me than I thought.”

_Liar._

“We’re just trying to make sure you won’t hurt yourself again, Lee,” TenTen said.

“Yeah, you scared the crap out of us,” Naruto remarked. Lee dipped his head in shame.

“I was just over thinking. Now that Itachi Uchiha is here, what is Hokage-sama going to do with him? Will Sasuke find out he is here? Does the council want to... k-kill him? I did not fight him just to bring him to his own death,” Lee said. It was a heavy enough topic that the group took a momentary pause.

“I didn’t know you were concerning yourself over all this stuff,” Sakura said, patting his hand gently. Lee forced himself not to pull away. He bit his lip.

_Liar, liar, pants on **fire.**_

“And you shouldn’t,” Neji said, “Whatever Hokage-sama decides to do with the Uchiha is her jurisdiction.”

Lee frowned like he wanted to argue, but he continued on in another vein, “I suppose... I was trying to meditate to clear my mind, but when I cut my foot I got... stuck.”

“Stuck,” Naruto said, leaning forward, “That never happens to me when I meditate.”

“I do not know how,” Lee said thoughtfully, “I do not understand completely... I have not been meditating for long.”

“Get some rest Lee,” Sakura said, patting his hand again, “You can take some of the blankets down if you get too hot, but keep _some._ I’ll have a nurse check on you later.”

He nodded. She ushered the others from the room, making the excuse that Lee needed his rest. TenTen and Naruto gave him hearty waves, but Neji flicked his head as though _he_ were dismissing _Lee._ The hospitalized man tried not to let his shoulders sag in relief. 

When he was alone at last, he curled into himself and let his melancholy overtake him.

_****_

***

As soon as they had walked far enough from the door, Neji snarled, “He’s fucking _lying.”_

“And with such a straight face too,” TenTen grimaced. Naruto’s eyes went wide and he looked at his three companions, confusion obvious in his eyes.

“No way... Lee wouldn’t lie to us like that,” he said, but the dark, frustrated look his two teammates shared shut him down. He frowned hard. 

“He had bruises that weren’t there when I discharged him the other day,” Sakura said, “And lacerations on his back. Looked like scratch marks. I don’t think he did them to himself, but the way he scratched just now, I can’t be sure.”

“I’m going to look in his apartment,” Neji said, “He knew he cut his foot, but he lied and said he couldn’t remember how.” 

“Gai-sensei is out on a mission, so I can’t ask him if he met with Lee before he left,” TenTen said thoughtfully, but I’ll see if Asuma or Yamato saw him before he left.”

Sakura nodded, “I’ll keep talking to Lee to see if he lets anything slip.”

“W-well... What do you want me to do,” Naruto asked, scowling at them all. Neji rolled his eyes and stalked away. Sakura put a hand on his shoulder, “If what Lee said had any truth... follow up with Tsunade-sama to see what she’s thinking about doing with Itachi. We don’t want to give him anything else to stress about.”

Naruto nodded, determined to help end whatever terror his friend was suffering.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's actually more than fifteen chapters, but I figure I'll be hopeful that I'll finish this story. I have fifteen chapters _planned_ and eleven written.


	5. Good Friends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Neji snarled, “He’s fucking lying.”_
> 
> _“And with such a straight face too,” TenTen grimaced. Naruto’s eyes went wide and he looked at his three companions, confusion obvious in his eyes._

Lee was all too aware of the way his friends had started to change. Sakura was carefully taking interest in him, Neji went into his apartment without his permission (‘to bring him a change of clothes’), Naruto went out of his way to reassure him that Tsunade wouldn’t make any rash decision. 

They knew Lee had lied, but he wasn’t sure to what capacity. And now they were moving strangely. 

Lee kept himself polite, kept his smiles wide, nodded, and most importantly, he kept his story straight. 

Tsunade-sama herself visited him on his last official day in the ward. 

“You’re worrying your friends, Rock Lee. Your recklessness is getting out of hand.”

Lee frowned and lowered his head, “It was not my intention. I will be more conscious of my actions.”

Tsunade looked at him consideringly, then nodded and said, “ Your teammates are waiting for you to split the reward money for the capture of Itachi Uchiha.”

Lee had forgotten about that. It registered on his face, because she sighed and sat down in the chair near his bed, “Have you thought even a little bit about the reward money?”

Lee dipped his head sheepishly, “I did not lie when I said I was not interested in the reward money last time. But if I could ask you for another request.”

“What am I, a djinn,” Tsunade joked. Lee smiled apprehensively, head still ducked and tilted. 

“I-if it is too much-...”

“It’s fine,” she interrupted, “I suppose, granting two more of your requests shouldn’t be too hard.” Her smile was vicious and knowing, but somehow still kind. Lee was glad he kept a likeness of her in his headspace.

That sounded creepy. He should forget the sentiment.

“Go ahead and make your requests, Lee. Just remember I have the right to refuse anything that I deem too far out of my control.”

He nodded eagerly, “I understand Hokage-sama... W-well... i-if it is not too much to ask, I would... like to be assigned as a guard for Itachi Uchiha.”

The look of indignant surprise bid him to rush on, “I will still be taking missions as an active duty shinobi, I would just like to be added to the rotation during moments when I am not out of the village! Even if it is just short relief rotations!”

“Why,” she asked incredulously. Lee let his shoulders slump forward, thinking about Itachi in a cage. Imagining how he must feel, being forced to return to the place he had run from for _years._ He imagined the locks on his own apartment. He shrugged lifelessly.

“I suppose... after everything, he could use a friend,” Lee said, then backtracked, “I mean, I know that he is a fugitive, and he has done something very horrible! But I cannot imagine life traveling was very friendly. And I do not suppose his future will involve very many... friendships...”

Tsunade’s look of surprise didn’t disappear, but she laughed, “You’ve been hanging out with the kid.”

Lee resented the fact that any of his kind thoughts were passed on from someone else. Then he felt guilty that he was discrediting Naruto of his own kindness. He ducked his head as his stomach twisted in displeasure.

“Alright, I’ll see what I can do,” she said, “And for your last wish?”

Lee didn’t even have to think, but his voice choked itself. His eyes went wide as he tried to speak. His fingers tightened on the skin of his leg so hard that they cramped. He swallowed, looking at her face in hopes that he might find the courage to speak.

“Lee..? Can you hear me? Breathe...”

He gasped, “Missions!”

She didn’t so much as blink at his change of volume, “Breathe.”

“I-i-if it is not too much to ask... I-I-I... Please,” he was struggling so hard, scared she might figure it out, scared she might say no.

“Breathe, Lee. I will not go until you say your piece.”

Lee took a deep gasping breath. His eyebrows furrowed in determination, and he quickly said, “I would be _very_ relieved if you made it so that Gai-sensei and I do not have joint missions any longer.”

A sharp eyebrow was raised, and even sharper blue eyes narrowed. Lee clenched his teeth shut so hard he thought they might crack from the force. 

“If there is something going on with your team-”

“I am alright to work with Neji and TenTen. It is just that Gai-sensei can be very-”

_RAPEY!_

“Overbearing.”

Tsunade gave him a sympathetic look, nodding her head, “I will do what I can to assemble teams that don’t require you both. Not hard, since you both have similar skill set.”

“Thank you for understanding,” he said, trying not to sound too relieved.

“But I should hope that you can work out your problems in a timely manner,” she said, eyeing him pointedly. Her message was clear: _You can’t run away forever._

Lee lowered his head, “I understand. Thank you Godaime-sama.”

Tsunade flicked her hand, but didn’t faff about when leaving. Lee was once again alone. 

_**Papaoutai** _

“... Would you like to...come in for tea,” Lee asked, even though he wanted to be alone. Neji stepped through the threshold, bright amethyst eyes watching him carefully. Lee turned and shut the door behind him.

“Are you expecting a visitor,” Neji said, raising an eyebrow at the amount of locks on his door. Lee clicked the bottom most one shut firmly. He gave Neji a tired smile and shrugged. He didn’t say anything. His friend was not a pusher, and if Lee dropped the topic, so would he. 

The taller brunette walked to the kitchen, careful of his fully healed but still tender foot. He didn’t remember what happened after cutting his foot, not that he wanted to. But he could almost smell the harsh agents used to clean his apartment. He couldn’t imagine Neji doing that for him, but then again, he couldn’t imagine him going out of his way to hire anyone to do it either. 

He leaned over to grab the kettle and fill it with water, using careful motions to peer around his kitchen. There was a speck of dried blood on one of the low cabinets, well camouflaged by the dark grain of the wood. He frowned at it for half a second. 

“Something wrong,” Neji asked.

“I wonder when I will be cleared to go back on missions,” Lee hedged. Neji scowled.

“No time soon, if it were up to me. You’re far too reckless.”

Lee’s careful self control he’d built up in the hospital snapped, just a bit. He said quietly, looking at Neji with a pinched expression, “Well, it is good that it is not up to you.”

Neji’s shocked indignation would be hard to miss from half a mile away. Lee avoided his gaze and stepped back to his door, “I would like it if you would leave.”

Neji eyed him over, then took a step to the open doorway. Before he stepped out, he said, “You can’t hide forever. We _will_ figure out what is going on with you.”

Lee’s stomach cramped in anxiety. If he closed the door harder than he meant, no one was around to comment on it. 

_**Papaoutai** _

Lee’s second meeting with Itachi Uchiha- third meeting counting all manner of maladies- and first _official_ meeting, was anticlimactic, to say the least. But it was that non aggression of some fool talking to a prisoner of all people that made Lee feel kind of relaxed. Not relaxed in a way that might let Itachi escape, but like the weight in his brain was easing, just a bit.

“Hello, Uchiha-san,” he said, taking his position in front of the cell, standing with his side towards the bars. He didn’t expect an answer, and so plowed on without a pause, “Although it might not have been ideal for you, I hope that your time in Konoha is restful.”

“Restful,” a slow, calculating, deep voice said. Lee almost shivered in surprise. He had given Itachi a voice similar to what he remembered of Sasuke, but it had been all wrong. He dipped his head.

“I can’t imagine being out in the world for this long could have been very relaxing,” Lee swayed, surprised he was even being talked to.

“You are the one I fought that day,” it wasn’t a question, “And you brought me here instead of taking my head for the bounty.”

“... I have no interest in money for the life of another person,” Lee said quietly, “I... thought it might be safest to bring you back here, instead of being killed. It was an oversight on my part. I did not consider your will.”

“... My will,” the eldest living Uchiha murmured drily, “Did you think I would be murdered so easily after all this time?”

“It was a possibility,” Lee said calmly, “After all, you are very powerful, but you restrained yourself against me.”

_You did not fight like someone who wanted to live._

There was a tense atmosphere behind the bars that rendered into uncomfortable silence. Lee felt as though he had perhaps overstepped his boundaries, but he knew trying to unsay what he had said was useless.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Updates once a week, now.


	6. A Journey to Muddle the Mind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _He leaned over to grab the kettle and fill it with water, using careful motions to look around his kitchen. There was a speck of dried blood on one of the low cabinets, well camouflaged by the dark grain of the wood._

“You missed the meeting,” the old man said, keen eye on the way Lee slouched his shoulders and maneuvered them out of the way of a busy group of people. Lee worried his lip between his teeth. A glance in the old man’s direction caught him against clear, sharp blue eyes, going grey-white under the shine of slowly developing cataracts. “I heard you were injured and ended up in the hospital.”

Lee frowned, “Where did you hear that?”

“When my business partner doesn’t show up for an arranged meeting without prior notice, I have a right to inquire,” the man replied smoothly, harrumphing and slinging a bouncing ball out of their way with his cane. It careens out of their way, far enough that Lee can’t think to bend to pick it up, or even think to kick it back to their rightful owners. The kids don’t seem to mind that, save one young boy who turns and gestures rudely to them. 

“I only help you out from time to time,” Lee said, also avoiding the root of their conversation, “I can hardly be called your partner.” 

The old man waved his hand in the air loftily, “You do thrice as much work as any employee I could hire. Which is why I was so shocked to find you had missed our appointment. You’re the paragon of punctuality, afterall.”

Lee relaxed his grip on the man’s hand where it grasped his inner arm. He wasn’t sure he’d be able to keep from injuring the man. His words were a carefully placed barb, even if he hadn’t meant them that way. 

“I apologize. I have always strived to keep my promises. I feel ashamed-”

“Ahh, damn you,” the old man cursed, hitting his calves with the end of his cane, “Must you guilt an old man when he’s prying for information!”

“Um..?” Lee paused once again pulling the older man to the side as a cart rolled by, filled to the brim with the season’s harvest in various baskets. “Yamanaka-sama?”

Yamanaka sighed, leaning gently against Lee’s arm and stepping in time with him, “I should realize now that guilting you only results in the opposite of the desired effect, that being you actually succumb to it. I don’t intend to berate you for being injured. I simply wish to know what happened. If you’re well enough to even be taking a walk with this old man.”

“I recover quickly! And I will always make time for you,” Lee replied, not sure what to do with the notion that he really was being guilted purposefully. He replaced his hand on top of Yamanaka’s. “I made a mistake while training, that is all. It was resolved quickly. I was lucky my friends were looking for me at that time.”

“Hm, fortunate,” Yamanaka replied, tugging Lee and tapping his cane in the direction he wanted to go. Lee sighed in relief. This was a slight deviation in route, but Lee was grateful. There were far less people in the parks at this time. “But very unusual.”

“U-unusual?” Lee stuttered, “The fact that they were looking for me, or that I was injured?”

“Hmmm,” Yamanaka hummed again, treading carefully beneath the hanging branches, ducking low and pulling Lee down low along with him. The old man wasn’t short by any means, but with Lee being abnormally tall, almost taller than Gai, there’s no way he isn’t being almost bent double. They come out in a small clearing where there is nothing but tallgrass, bracketed by wildflower and a myriad of shrubs. “Strange how you’re aware that those things are extraordinary. Stranger still that you said you were injured.”

“We established that I was in the hospital,” Lee replied, feeling his usual confusion when he was with Yamanaka resurface. The old man settled their gate to something even more meandering, letting his bare ankles get clipped by the tall grass. Lee, so bundled as he is prone to being, only catches a few spare blades between his toes.

“Ah, but you see. You did not say you injured yourself. Only that you were injured.” Lee froze. Graceful as he was, Yamanaka didn’t even falter as they came to a halt. He really didn’t need Lee to help him around. “What I have always liked about you, what I have always warned you about, is your concision with words, Lee.”

“Please... Please do not ask me,” Lee replied meekly. His upper body felt weak, as though his arms would fall limp at his sides and he would lose his lunch. 

“It isn’t becoming of you to beg this way,” Yamanaka said, platinum pale hair billowing in the wind. His eyes narrowed, “You wouldn’t beg an enemy nin-”

“You are not my enemy. You know that I would not lie to you, that I cannot lie to you. I do not want us to make the rest of this walk silently,” Lee said, staring Yamanaka down with all the determination that had failed him a few nights ago. Yamanaka’s narrowed eyes softened with the rise of his eyebrows. He gave Lee’s arm a squeeze, something that Lee had learned to take comfort in after years of spending time around him. 

“It only seems fair that I get something out of this trade. Drop the formalities, and I won’t pry any further... for today,” the old man said. Lee had made it clear a million times over what he thought about their positions. It was one of the few things that Yamanaka was always bitter about. Lee would probably never understand.

“Hai, Inoue-sama,” Lee conceded. Inoue pats his arm, nodding astutely, even though he probably didn’t approve of the honorific. They walked slowly, making plans for another meeting that Inoue won’t need Lee to be present for. Lee _would_ be, of course, because he respected Inoue’s work ethic and his business too much to let him down twice.

In the space between them, their shared talk and pleasant gait, Lee let go of the pain. He shoved the terror and anxiety about Gai into the back of his mind, and, mostly, forgot about it. It was easiest to do when he wasn’t hiding away in his apartment or pushing himself to his limit in the haunting forests surrounding the village.

He was no longer alone with his thoughts, but also not suffocated by the pressure of people, including-especially- his friends, checking to see if he was alright.

He wanted to be.

The odd duo made their way back to the care home Inoue resided in. He was a short man, mousy brown hair and eyes tilted and wide like a panda’s. His freckled face stood placid as he waited just beyond the door of the home. Lee had rarely met people he didn't get along with, and this person was one of them. Not that Lee disliked him, or anything of the sort; he was just an odd man, so hard to place on the account that he didn't talk. It was of no fault of his own, and Lee has learned a way to communicate with him, but even then, the man was very curt. Lee was discomforted by the idea that Yamanaka was just a _job_ to this person.

The elderly man shooed away a keeper just as they came to the door to separate Lee from him. He looked fairly ridiculous like that, a burly older man making hissing and spitting noises like a miserly old cat. The keeper, fairly new by Lee’s purview, took the hint and disappeared back through the doorway. Not _too_ far, however. Lee could still see their slipper clad feet close to the entrance.

“Lee.”

Inoue’s voice held a firmness that made Lee instinctively want to sit down on his own knees. He bowed his head, posturing his shoulder to look like a reticent child. 

“Hai..? Inoue-sama...?”

“I hope that whatever you would go so far as to want to lie to me about is something that won’t continue to cause you harm. That is to say... I hope you are modest in embarrassment, and not fear or shame,” Inoue said. A hard lump formed in Lee’s throat, and his eyes tingled with the threat of tears. He took deep, fortifying breaths to keep from embarrassing himself further.

“I hope so too,” Lee could only say, doing his best to smile, even when he didn’t feel it. Inoue’s mouth and eyebrows drew down, but before Lee could be reprimanded into spilling his guts, he cut him off, “I will be out of the village for a few weeks on a mission. I will come to see you right away, afterwards.”

Inoue, usually one to tell him not to return without a gift, simply stared at him until the keeper came back out to usher him away. Lee hurried away quickly, worried about being stopped by anyone else in that part of town and being sucked into conversation. He had one more stop to make before he would be preparing for his mission.

_**P a p a o u t a i** _

It felt almost surreal to be in the quiet prison with Itachi Uchiha just a poor barrier away. The prison was a strange layout, there being bars instead of a door, chakra dampening sigils carved into the concrete like an intricate moulding.

Lee stood beside the entrance, swaying slowly, thinking about what he might be tasked with on his way. Escort missions could be very exciting, invigorating, but they could also be uneventful. Just a jaunt from place to place with no conflict. Lee wasn’t sure which he wanted more. He debated speaking on this idea as he said, “I will be away on a mission for about two months.”

“A grateful break from your incessant mumblings,” Itachi said, though it was without inflection. Lee laughed, feeling relieved that someone was being real and honest with him. Or rather, being honestly cruel. At least, if Itachi didn’t want to be in his presence, he would say it. 

“Yes, that is right,” he said, “It is too bad I enjoy irritating you so. I will miss being here.”

Another shinobi came to replace Lee- an ANBU member- smothering Itachi’s reply, if he had one.

_**P a p a o u t a i** _

There were very few S-Rank missions that Lee could take without the need to take at least two other persons. However, there was an escort mission that only required a small detail. He was only required to protect one person, and the rest were retainers or other guards that weren’t as powerful.

A journey that would have taken four days with a team took Lee two and a half. The downside to being alone was that he couldn't really camp out, as his lack of chakra control made it hard to detect enemies far enough out. On the upside, he allowed himself to take his time watching the land before him unfold, sprawling hills and acres upon acres of farmland, merchants making deals along the river to trade their catch for necessary goods.

Another upside was sleeping at inns without too much worry for the cost. When he reached Bear Country, he did just this. Upon waking up mid day, a few hours behind his own schedule but early by his mission’s standards, he realized he hadn’t been sleeping well at his home. He couldn’t remember the last time he lie down without a second thought and entered REM sleep. He should have been more cautious, but if some people there suspected him of being a hostile shinobi, they didn’t say anything. 

Usually, when he went to places he'd never been before, he would stash away his hitai-ate. It garnered a lot of respect in some places. In others, it could be a deadly nuisance. 

He decided, just before he reached Bear Country, that it would be best not to wear it. His jacket was a dead giveaway for him being shinobi, but different places accepted that sort of combative force from different villages. 

After regaining himself and having a filling breakfast, Lee took a less traveled route to his destination. He put his hitai-ate back on when he passed through a valley famed for its treacherous rock formations and deadly rapids. 

Honey Country was home to an inordinate amount of riverbanks, golden willow trees, and pink magnolias. He suspected that when the sun set on the land, the geography would reflect and refract all light into a honey glow that gave the land its name. He hoped he would be able to spend at least one sunset in the country. 

Lee knew he reached the daimyo’s principality when a border of thick wooden walls came up on his vision, half concealed by towering, blooming magnolias. With Konoha barely having change of season, save for their rainy winters, Lee had forgotten that spring was emerging for the rest of the world. 

The guards took one look at his hitai-ate, not his paperwork, and ushered him through, “It’s the gated house right in the center of town. Can’t miss it.”

Lee looked around at everything before he arrived. Much the same as Konoha, people in Kuroba were amenable, stopping to chat with one another, trading gossip for goods, letting their children run amuck in the warm spring air. Lee felt some of the tenseness in his body drain away as he watched them. He thought, _‘Youth is not the identity of one nation alone!’_

When he reached the house (thought it was more of a consulate building than anything else) there were two more guards, a man and woman, who both eyed him sharply. Lee smiled brightly at them, both trying to ease their tension, and happy to help anyone who ran a village like this. The man ushered him in, passing by two or three more people doing clerical work. He was ushered to a small library that doubled as an office. It only had one large rectangular window, in front of which a small desk for one person sat.

The daimyo of Honey was sharp. Everything about her was sharp. She had shrewd golden eyes, shaped like a cat’s. When she spoke, her words were succinct, and the motion of her teeth made it seem as though she was biting punctuation into every sentence.

“Ah, the aide from Konoha,” she smiled, and it cut lines into her face that aged her well. She had deep purple blue hair that reminded Lee of someone, and milky brown skin. It was obvious she was chosen from among the townspeople to become the daimyo. Lee cherished the community of it all.

“Yes! Rock Lee, at your service ma’am!”

She seemed hearty, for while her aids winced, she simply nodded along, “Prodigal student of Maito Gai. I’ve heard things about you both. Fairly exceptional, in general.”

Lee flushed and ducked, at once both mollified and pleased, “Thank you, ma’am.”

“Please, Daitan is fine.”

“Yes, Daitan-dono,” Lee saluted. The woman sighed, but she didn’t seem about to try to put Lee out of his habits. Instead, she explained further in detail the parameters of his mission. Himself, along another guard and three of her retainers, would be traveling back through Honey, through Bear, all the way to Tea Country for a summit. The daimyo from almost _ten_ different nations were also meeting there, and he would be tasked with her safety for the journey, the event, and the return home. 

They would be meeting up with a congregation from Kusagakure, who were supposed to be the impartial ear of the summit. They had their own ninja, and would not be sparing any help, only traveling companions. Lee was meant to take care of his own. 

“Take heart,” she said, staring at him evenly, her sharp eyes looking for something in him that he didn’t want to relinquish, “We will not necessarily be taking the straight path there. The things you see on this trip _will_ unsettle you.”

“Yes, Daitan-dono,” he said, his enthusiasm only slightly dimmed. He’d been a ninja for five years, he’d seen many things and killed people. Not that he was proud of that last part. Still, he had seen many a monster and horror alike. He had lived through his own atrocities. Perhaps someone else’s might clear his mind.

“Eat and rest well, Rock Lee. We travel at first light,” she said.


	7. the World Beyond

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“Take heart,” she said, staring at him evenly, her sharp eyes looking for something in him that he didn’t want to relinquish, “We will not necessarily be taking the straight path there. The things you see on this trip **will** unsettle you.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Trigger Warning:** Implied sexual assault against minors, implied prostitution of minors, and more things along those lines.

All the other children were asleep, except for the eldest. The boy watched the rest with the eyes of a hawk, as though the graciousness Daitan had bestowed upon them was faulty. Lee watched too, uncomfortable sharing such a small room with so many bodies. Unlike the pleasantness of the open village, this was suffocating. 

The boy, who couldn’t be older than fourteen, turned pale pink eyes on Lee. The shinobi looked away, out of the bare hole in the wall that could be construed as a window. The streets were dark as they were quiet, the rare bit of business seen there having concluded some time around three in the morning. For all the illusion of normalcy the wooden buildings on every other street created, it was torn and broken by this place.

A kiddy whorehouse. Lee tried not to wretch, remembering the man who had offered up the babes to them. 

“Care to take your pick?” He was thin and willowy, missing his front teeth and any sympathy in his eyes. The building mimicked him, windows boarded or covered in black tarp, smelling of rot and desperation. 

Lee had almost lost his mind, his killing intent had been so strong. Daitan had forced him to remain calm, to let her work her magic. He understood, as he watched her bathe and feed and help the children, that to them this was magic. Letting her give them new futons to sleep on (to later be abused on, how cruel), was kindness. 

“This is all we can do,” she had said, for the first time letting her sharpness be known as a sort of sadness, “Because we have no power of the Kage, or a weapon to keep them safe. This is all.”

Lee wanted to weep. For them, and for himself. Was _this_ what the world was like? While he was toiling away to become stronger, he had not lost anything. Not the way these children had lost themselves. His goal to become a taijutsu master seemed insignificant compared to goals like saving someone, or helping make sure these kids would be able to become whole one day.

Compared to them, what Gai-sensei did was an act of kindness.

A small, deep brown hand touched his knee, making him flinch back. Pale pink eyes stared into his soul, searching for a camaraderie, or freedom.

“Do you want me,” the boy asked. Lee felt horrified. 

“Why... why do we not talk,” he asked, sliding away from the hand. The boy looked confused, curly hair barely covering the wrinkle of his eyebrows. Lee knew that children’s feelings were easily hurt. He cleared his throat softly. “I want to... talk to you. If that is okay.”

The boy didn’t look too enthused, but he nodded, peering over the sleeping once again.

“How old are you?”

“Twelve.”

Only six years younger than Lee. He had been training to become a ninja by that time. Three years before his sensei had ever started hurting him. He frowned, “What is your name?”

“Raidon... my siblings call me Raia.”

“Raidon... What a strong name,” Lee said, bowing his head, “You are very brave to watch over your siblings all night.”

Raidon looked over them all as if he were a lord, and not like he would be helpless to stop more pain from befalling them all, “No one else can do it. They’re all just babies. But I’m a man.”

Lee choked, shaking his head. Raidon looked at him with defiant eyes. Lee shook his head and leaned forward, “ _Do not_ fool yourself into that burden.”

“Who else will take care of us? You guys might make pretty promises and leave nice gifts, but we’ll be back to reality tomorrow,” Raidon said, frowning severely at a little girl who couldn’t have been older than six. Pure rage flicked on Lee’s bloodlust. He closed his eyes and dug his fingers into his arms, just above where Gai had grabbed him last time. Raidon seemed to sense it, because he skittered back, eyes wide with fear. Lee took a deep breath.

“This... _This_ is not right,” he said. There was silence between them as Raidon tried to decide if he would be killed for his insubordination. Lee relaxed his posture.

“That doesn’t mean it’s not real,” the boy murmured. Lee grit his teeth so hard that he felt they might crack. His feelings jumbled themselves up until he was huffing through his nose. He put his head down. He couldn’t help but compare them. As a twelve year old, he hadn’t realized that being a ninja was tantamount to committing himself to the life of a murderer. He didn’t want this boy to commit himself to this type of pain. 

He looked again at the child. Beneath that fierce determination, there _was_ pain. Lee felt he was looking into his own eyes. He leaned forward again, “This will not be your reality forever. It _cannot_ be. Until the day your tomorrow is different, please continue to be strong.”

The boy gave him a skeptical look, inching further away. His eyes were like pink diamonds in the moonlight. “Pretty words,” he scoffed.

How true, Lee mourned, but the prettier the better. For he could not make bold promises with the strength of his voice. Hope could break any man no matter how strong, as it had broken Lee time and again. He would not hurt Raia or these children with hope. So, pretty words they might be, they were his only way of making a promise. 

Raidon’s tomorrow would be different. Lee would give his life for it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And so it has begun


	8. New Foundling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“This... **This** is not right,” he said. There was silence between them as Raidon tried to decide if he would be killed for his insubordination. Lee relaxed his posture._
> 
> _“That doesn’t mean it’s not real,” the boy murmured._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't want to put these parts in the last chapter because that chapter had a _very_ specific purpose, and so does this one.

Lee didn’t understand _how_ he did it, but he did understand _why._ Lee had rattled off a few mission details as if they were the core, important parts, and if she suspected he was lying, Tsunade didn’t say a word about it. Lee was less nervous about it than he really should be. He had never been a good liar, or at the very least, had never practiced lying to anyone before. When Gai had taken care of him as a boy, he surely had moments where he tried to skitter around the truth. Still, there was never an instance such as this, where he blatantly disregarded details, therefore lying by omission. 

Daitan had made him swear not to tell his Hokage about what the true objective of his mission was. The mission had detailed an escort to a neighboring country to exchange documents and conference over their contents. While that had been true, a ten nation summit on the state of affairs of said countries and possible contingencies had not been in the cards. 

Daitan had taken him all over the lands, showing him why the summit was drastically needed. “The kind of power I’m after has nothing to do with those righteous Kage. The power to protect others in our own way. That’s what this summit is for.”

His meeting with Raidon had forced him not to argue. 

“Lee,” Tsunade was staring at him, “All there?”

He should be nervous.

“Yes! I apologize. I was thinking about my rotation to guard Itachi Uchiha,” Lee said, straightening out and saluting to her. That wasn’t exactly true; he was thinking of a way to help save those children. A part of him _was_ thinking of what Itachi might do in his shoes, but it had nothing to do with his shift.

Tsunade snorted, “Go get checked up first. And you’re required one night of rest before you even think about stepping foot in that cell block.”

“Understood, Godaime-sama!”

“Get out of here,” Tsunade said, and Lee tried not to be too hasty in his compliance.

**_P a p a o u t a i_ **

Inoue was kind or keen enough to meet him outside, and not at the care home. He gave Lee’s sullen face a once over and then turned immediately into the tea house he had chosen for them to meet at. Lee slipped in beside him, waiting for the patron of the establishment to greet them and let them get seated.

Fragrant smells of malt blends, fruit and flowers wafted from every corner of the room. The humid heat of many pots of water boiling, tea steeping, bodies packed together tightly around neatly arranged chabudai. If Inoue had been cold outside waiting in his single layer kimono, that would all melt away here. Lee could feel the sweat beginning to build just below his chest.

“I am glad to see you again,” Lee offered when they sat down. The unimpressed look Inoue shot him was heightened by his newly brightened eyes, “How was your surgery?”

Inoue waved his hands about in the air, “A lot of pomp for nothing. I was right as rain with only two days in the recovery unit, but they acted like I’d fall apart at the slightest touch.”

Lee nodded fervently in agreement, “And when you want to take a short stroll, they act like you are going to undo the entire process.” Inoue gave him a knowing look, making Lee flush in embarrassment. 

A woman with short cropped brown hair, sticking out from her head in little tufts, stopped by their table. She was fairly thin, but had chubby cheeks that reminded Lee immediately of Chouji. She held a large tray with an rust colored pot, a single tea cup, a round edged box, and other tea making paraphernalia. She knelt beside them with a smile and began fixing the tea without asking if either of them wanted anything. 

“Welcome back, Yamanaka-san,” she said, “And Lee! I thought it was you I saw earlier.”

“Yes ma’am,” he said politely; she was not much older than him, but it was a habit he would not be breaking any time soon, “I completed my mission ahead of schedule!”

“That should be your catchphrase,” she said, rolling her eyes, “Do y’know what you’re havin’ today?”

“Mm,” he didn’t think too hard, knowing it would lead to indecision, “I would like a white tea, please!”

“I’ll be choosing for you again?” she asked, pouring the tea for Inoue with a flourish. Her hand movements are graceful, measured- a true master of an art that is probably only performed during weddings or promotions, these days. Lee watched her movements, seeing where he wrist could bend and upend a hidden bottle of poison.

“Yes please!” he replied. She sighs, but Lee could see the good nature of it from the way her eyebrows quirk in thought and she smiles a bit. She bids a short greeting before dipping away with her tray handy. 

“Let’s get to the meat of the matter, then,” Inoue immediately jumped on him as soon as she was out of earshot, “What has you sullen enough to be this quiet?”

He didn’t think he was being particularly quiet, but Inoue knew him just as well as Neji, or TenTen, or-... He chewed his lip and peered around. The teahouse was full of conversation, mostly quiet, but it was obvious no one cared about an old man and his strange, spandex clad companion. 

“When... When you were on active duty,” Lee started, searching the grain of the table for the right phrasing, “Was there-..?”

Inoue paused in his motion to take another sip from his tea cup. He put it down and leaned forward over the chabudai, “Do less searching and more elaborating. You’ve seen something. Heard something.”

“Have you ever seen something that you cannot leave alone? Even if you know that it might cause trouble for the village,” Lee blustered on, not sure if he could stomach saying what he saw. Inoue stared at him. His eyes glazed over, and turned from Lee’s face to his cup. The sigh he gave this time was deep and bone weary. It compressed his chest from it’s force, curled further his already age-bowed spine. Despite his usually vivacious and strong nature, he looked small there. 

Helpless. 

Lee’s fingers tightened on the pant leg of his jumpsuit. The fibers creaked from his force. He had started sweating moderately.

“What you must do as a shinobi... and what you must do as a man are decisions only you can make,” Inoue said, eyes far away, “Sometimes, there are things that are honorable, but will not bring you glory.”

Lee’s stomach flipped. He’d always wanted it. To be named a splendid ninja by his peers who were so much more powerful than him in ways he could never be. After seeing Raidon’s eyes, burning with a determination so similar to Lee’s but so different, he felt limp. Like his goals hadn’t been goals, but landmarks for something he would never be sure would come. 

But if Raidon’s world was the real world, Lee would choose honor. He watched Inoue, looking wistfully sad. It was a look that Lee recognized on their Hokage. He suspected if he looked at more, older shinobi, he would find those looks in their eyes as well.

The soft placement of a wood on wood jerked Lee from his thoughtfulness. The girl had returned, her smile more careful, more questioning. She set the tea up silently, wafting the sparkling soft aromas of rose and strawberry and honey towards his nose. He smiled back at her, also just as tentative. 

“Thank you... very much,” he said as she departed. A glance in Inoue’s direction told him he understood exactly where Lee was placing his gratitude.

**_P a p a o u t a i_ **

Lee didn’t think Itachi would mind his tacit silence, but on the third night shift, he surprised Lee by speaking first.

“No uninsightful information about the goings on,” he asked, his voice slow and bored. Lee tilted his head and let out a dry puff he meant to be laughter. 

“I thought you were tired of my aimless ramblings.”

“A ten week break is more than enough time,” Itachi replied. Lee twitched in surprise, almost looking into the bars to stare at Itachi. He didn’t mostly because he wasn’t sure how he would _look_ at Itachi after those weeks on his mission. He hadn’t shaken those strange feelings that began during their fight. They were stronger every time he visited Itachi, little by little, growing in him and making him confused.

“I have been thinking,” Lee said slowly.

“As one is wont to do,” Itachi snarked. 

“About you.”

“Oh,” Itachi said blankly, his tone seemingly checked out.

“It is strange to me that you killed your entire clan.”

“Strange? Not disturbing? Not alarming,” Itachi asked, voice softer than normal, creeping through the bars like poison. Lee had guessed he wouldn’t like this line of conversation.

“There are worse things than murder one man can do to another,” Lee muttered, closing his eyes and imagining rotting teeth, a debilitating grip on is arm, pink eyes, and bleeding feet. “Besides which, I cannot imagine you have come away unscathed either.”

His response was met with a long silence, and then, “Sympathy for a terrorist?”

Lee knew he was being called stupid. He slumped his shoulders, “Terrorist or not, you are still a man with a beating heart.”

“... You have many notions about a man you’re supposed to treat with extreme prejudice,” Itachi said, a hint of amusement in his voice. Lee found himself laughing, though there was barely anything to feel happy about. 

“I do. I am free to be compassionate,” Lee said, and it somehow made him feel much better. He was _free_ to be compassionate, to his friends, to Itachi, and most of all, to those children. He was just going to have to sit down and think about how to help them. Not that he was ever good at espionage. Still, a hearty sense of distrust of others had settled into him with Gai’s help, so perhaps he should make use of it.

“Uchiha-san... You must have seen many horrific things while you were out there.”

“Hn.”

“Did you... Did you ever think of helping others... or..?” 

“Help others when I can barely help myself..?” It was a quiet admittance, but it was one that Lee heard all the same. 

“I am sorry,” Lee said.

“Don’t apologize. Your pity is unnecessary.”

“I am not pitying you,” Lee replied, eyebrows raised. He leaned back against the railing, letting his daydreams float across the ceiling, “You were strong enough to eliminate the strongest section of Konoha by yourself, and evade capture for...”

Lee paused. It had been eight years since the Uchiha Massacre, but Itachi still looked relatively young. As a matter of fact, he looked similar in age to Lee. So, unless he had an age reduction jutsu or something similar, there was _no way_ he could have been much older than Lee during the massacre. At most fifteen.

“Uchiha-san... How old are you?”

“Isn’t that in my records,” Itachi asked blandly, “I turn twenty two this year.”

Lee choked, but covered it up by saying, “Oh! I will turn nineteen in November! And I do not pity you, I was simply apologizing for asking a question that was rude.”

“...They shouldn’t allow someone like you to be a prison guard,” Itachi said blithely. Lee could hear him sinking down to the floor, the fabric of his clothes grating against the stone walls. “Your behavior will get you killed.”

It was strange, but Lee felt not one hint of fear at being threatened. He nodded along and murmured, “My respect for you is what allowed me to fight to my full potential against you. I will not underestimate you.”

It seemed this was the end of the conversation, and Lee didn’t mind that one bit. In the back of his mind, he remembered thinking Itachi was not much older than him, but he couldn’t remember exactly when. Now that he knew he had been right, his mind wouldn’t stop barreling down a path he hadn’t meant for it to go. It was not a happy path at all.


	9. Tall Tails

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“There are worse things than murder one man can do to another,” Lee muttered, closing his eyes and imagining rotting teeth, a debilitating grip on is arm, pink eyes, and bleeding feet._

The seedy man- Lee never learned his name- had wet himself at that point. Lee couldn’t say he really minded. He _had_ wanted him to feel helpless. Just like those children. 

“That’s all I know, I swear, I swear,” he cried. Lee tilted his head.

“That may be true, my friend, but because I have no jutsu that can read minds, I must be wholly sure,” Lee said patiently, picking up the man’s already decimated arm. He was tied to one of the beams in the desolate kitchen, body bent halfway over the burning oven. The oven went to a max of five hundred and fifty, which Lee had been quick to utilize.

He was tied in such a way that if he relaxed, even a fraction, he’d burn himself badly. Lee had seen the knots in a sex book that he wished he’d never found in Ino’s house. They proved very useful against this man, who obviously had no extra power in his seedy little body.

“No, no no,” he cried, “Just tell me what you want to know! _PLEASE!!”_

“What I want to know and what you need to share with me are different matters, my friend. You should start from the beginning, and I will pick out the useful pieces of information,” Lee said, frowning thoughtfully into the red heat of the oven. He pinched the swollen meat between the man’s broken index finger and thumb pointedly.

“Ah! AAAH! Okay, okay, okay! Uh, uh! I already had Pinkie with me when I opened this place! A guy comes from a neighboring country-”

“Which country,” Lee asked darkly, “If you know it is a neighbor to this one, do not waste my time.”

Lee slid a hand up his arm, up to where his clavicle lay bound and unbroken. He shuddered. 

“Kuma, Kuma! He was the uh... son of a friend of the Daimyo! Said he had some wares he wanted to get rid of, gave me a couple little girls. He uh..! Uh! Bluish black hair, eyes black as death, a little taller than me, burly! Liked to push the girls he brought into the dirt! Twisted up mouth, kinda scarred. Came to give me a kid every six months or so until he stopped!”

“Did he tell you why he stopped,” Lee asked.

“H-how the fuck should I-”

_SNAP!_

“ _NO!_ Please no more,” the man cried. Lee waited until the huffing tears stopped, and waited more until the man regained enough composure to speak. “He ain’t tell me, but I heard he got caught smuggling kids to another house inside Kuma! Dunno where the house is, but they put the guy in for trial!”

“How long ago was this?”

“About a year or so! Please, please! It’s..! My back’s burning! I swear I learned my lesson! Just take me to prison already, _please_ ,” the man begged. Lee stepped away, feeling he had earned everything he needed to know from the man. If he wanted more, he would have to find this Kuma crook. And possibly the other brothel.

“Last two questions, then I will take you to safety, my friend,” Lee said. The man sagged, but then realized it was too presumptuous and straightened out as much as he could. 

“What is the name of the man?”

“Ugh, Ichinosuke... He ain’t give me a last name!”

Lee could use a first name and a description. “Where is the location of the other brothel?”

“I _really_ don’t know! Close to the border, I think, but I can’t be sure! I ain’t concern myself with other places! This place was all I could handle!”

Lee moved back, nodding his head. He went into the open living room area which was bare except for a low table that had a few gambling chips on it. Kneeling cushions with a disturbing array of stains and a few blankets surrounded the area. Lee picked up the cushions and sheets. 

“Hey, hey! Are you going to untie me!? I did all you asked!”

Lee nodded, picking up the little axe the man had tried to fight him with when he entered. The thing was badly rusted, not completely useless yet, but dull. Painful. 

“You did well, my friend. I will take you to safety,” Lee repeated, stuffing the sheets and pillows into the oven in quick movements. They caught fire immediately. The man shuddered as his back burned. Lee angled himself carefully as the man began to scream. He guaged he would have to put at least double the power into his swing on this one.

With one fell swoop, and a terrorized cry, the man’s head fell to the ground. His body took a minute to catch up and slump into the waiting fire. Lee scooped up his head and bowed to the body.

“... I pray the Pure Land accepts you.”

The smell of cooking flesh wafted strongly after him as he exited.

**_P a p a o u t a i_ **

The mask did a good job to keep all the scents from drifting up to Lee’s nose. If he ever met that man again, he’d have to thank him. It was a grotesque piece of art that Lee had initially felt very strongly about putting on.

Then he remembered that he was betraying his entire country by doing what he was while wearing his hitai-ate. He had stowed it away in the cart he had acquired from the orphanage. As long as no one randomly wandered into the forest, he would be okay.

The mask was an ogre’s jaw, long teeth sharply curved over the edges. It’s wide mouth gaped to blackness, giving nothing away of his own face. Still, if someone he knew saw him, they’d recognize his black hair, eyebrows and eyes. 

Lee glanced at the sky. He’d have to walk away from the blazing building to figure out what time it _really_ was, but he just wanted to watch it burn for a few more minutes. There were three bodies lined up before him- and a head, which he was unsure why he had decided to carry with him all the way up until that point. 

It was satisfying to see them all lined up that way. Their dead eyes looked to the sky, as if they would find the Pure Land up there. Lee knew that those open, horrified things had only seen him in the end. He hoped their souls could be cleansed.

He surveyed the area once more, watching the men and women cower in the darkness of their homes. Their beady eyes searched for any tidbits of gossip or scraps of wealth left behind. Too bad for them, Lee was a ninja. Not the _smartest,_ but not unintelligent by any means. 

No longer naive.

There was nothing left behind of any of them, or the children that used to reside there. 

Deciding he had spent more than enough time watching, he turned and high-tailed it out of the small shantytown. He didn’t want people to look for too long and make out the details of his body.

The unusually silent darkness made him think about Itachi, and how he might have lived his life outside the village. Lee often thought about the circumstances that forced Itachi out of the village. For weeks, he had been thinking about this, not bringing it up with Itachi, but their last conversation was too much _not_ to send him into a tizzy. Itachi had been _thirteen_ when he killed his entire clan. 

That wasn’t feasible. 

Even _if_ he were an insider, he would have to go through scores of human bodies to kill everyone. There were thousands of people in the Police Force alone, not including ninja considered active duty. The required stamina, the plan of action, the sheer power that would require was unfathomable. Even if he had done it as a silent operation, there would have been alarms as soon as he made it at least halfway through the armed forces. 

Something wasn’t right. Lee was no genius, but he _was_ a shinobi. Was it supposed to be a secret, or was it a truth so glaringly obvious that no one seemed to notice? 

“Where are we going?”

The small voice he had heard so often over the course of a few months had dispensed it’s strength. It trembled with fear. Pale pink eyes stared dimly over brown hair, watching Lee like he might attack them too. The child in his arms was trying to stop crying, perhaps in fear that Lee would get angry. 

“There is a horse carriage not too far up ahead. It will not be that long a walk,” Lee said, taking off his mask and relaxing his face. 

“And where will you take us,” Raidon asked, still looking at him skeptically. Their meetings had been filled with much the same. Lee had been lucky to make it so often, and luckier still that his village suspected nothing. But tonight, they had finally reached the end.

“There is a rather large village with an orphanage in the neighboring country.” They didn’t accept children over thirteen, and though Raidon was a bit small, no one could be fooled into believing he was less than ten years old. Lee would have to find a way to break the news to him before they arrived.

“So that’s... that’s it?,” Raidon whispered, and it was so hopeful it broke Lee’s heart in a way that he should not have allowed himself to feel. The murder of those men that he shoved away tried to creep on him and make him feel guilty. He wrestled with himself for a brief moment.

“Come,” Lee said, reaching down to pick up some of the smaller children. They flinched at the sight of his back, but let themselves be swaddled in his arms. He kept the motion of his walking slow and gentle, not wanting any of the children to get lost or hurt in the darkness. A few of them sniffled and asked one another where they were going. 

When they were loaded into the cart and riding away, Lee thought he heard Raidon sobbing beneath the soft thud of horse hoofs in the dirt. The ride surely was bumpy- Lee was two days late on his return from his mission already, and he was not _near_ where it was supposed to be.

The caretakers of the orphanage seemed to have waited all night for Lee to make his delivery, standing by the front doors with blankets, wraps and lights. Lee wasn’t cold, but he couldn’t say the same for the children. He watched one of the women take Raidon aside. Lee looked over at the horizon. He would have to rest when he arrived at home- the bright pink dawn of a third day was already upon him. 

He turned to make his way back to the tree line.

“Wait!”

Lee paused, turning his body back to the sound, but not his face. 

“Your name.”

Raidon’s voice was hard to read, for the first time, obscuring and changing like the shadows the dawn was casting in the treeline before Lee. Anything he might have wanted to say about Raidon taking care of himself, about keeping in contact, was lost in the fact that Lee was not supposed to be there.

“Lock.”

**_P a p a o u t a i_ **

“I cannot decide,” Lee said as soon as he was in Itachi’s cell block again. He didn’t wait for Itachi to respond, “I do not know if you hated Sasuke-san so much, with every fibre of your being that you killed everyone else and left him to wander the earth after you in vengeance. Or if you really _loved_ Sasuke-san so much that he was the only one you let get away. You believed in him so thoroughly that you thought he might live to create a bright future.”

“You shouldn’t talk about things you don’t understand,” Itachi replied, and Lee could hear the beginnings of anger in his clipped tone. Lee felt he had succeeded in just this one thing where he had failed in his own life. He hugged himself, unsettled. The dark edges of the cell crept forward and he was tempted to look in. 

“Have you met Naruto Uzumaki,” Lee asked, trying to detract his own train of thought, “I am surprised that he has not come to talk to you. Then again, he may resent you for being the reason Sasuke-san is gone. Or perhaps he might not have had the same bond with Sasuke-san if you had not taken those actions.”

“Do you think I will allow you to speak endlessly without repercussion because I’m imprisoned?” Itachi’s voice floated threateningly through the bars, making Lee shiver. “I haven’t a care for your friends, nor your opinions.”

“No, certainly not, but I know you are interested in Sasuke’s friends. Naruto is the best one he could have,” Lee said resolutely, knowingly standing far too close to the bars. Itachi made a noise of derision; not quite a snort, but something huffy and rude nonetheless. Lee could feel his own hackles raising.

“Have you been telling yourselves that the child who abandoned you those years ago is still your friend? You don’t strike me as the... optimistic type, Rock Lee.” That ominous feeling was creeping out from between the bars, sucking Lee in. It was a feeling he knew too well. He drew in on himself, holding himself tighter, making his bruises scream in protest. 

Lee threw his head back and laughed. He meant it to be a short bark, self-deprecating and unagreeable. Yet somehow he couldn’t stop himself from deepening it. It swept down his lungs, across his diaphragm and back out of his nose. It took with it the force of his anger. Lee turned away from the bars, afraid of his own madness in that moment.

“Of course not, Uchiha-san. Optimism is not for shinobi,” he replied, bowing his head, “However, I cannot help but wonder why we both still hold on to it.”

“Don’t compare me to a fool like yourself,” Itachi snapped. Lee trembled in fear and delight.

“I must. It is optimism that allowed me to carry you back home. Perhaps the same that forced you to continue living so that you might one day be brought here.” Lee leaned his body away from that darkness, letting his arms and hands fall limp at his sides. They throbbed from the pressure, but he didn’t mind. He wished he and Itachi could be enemies in earnest, or friends the same. Anything other than two prisoners on different sides of a cage.

“The only _hope_ for a shinobi,” _for me,_ Lee heard, “is the Pure Lands.” 

It was a moment of vulnerability so sweet Lee felt his legs go weak. He turned away, not ready to commit himself to someone else’s misery in that way quite yet. 

“But still a hope, all the same,” he replied quietly, letting the conversation flicker out like the last bit of wick on a wax candle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I rewrote the ending of this chapter because they're interactions are too one-sided, but I hated the idea of Itachi being that cocky, overconfident person he always seems to be. If we think about it, Itachi would probably be of a sharp wit like Kakashi or Asuma, but he wouldn't have had time or the connections to be cocky. 
> 
> If anything, he a cautious, prudent man, with a lot of supressed anger since he never got to have a childhood.


	10. Cry, Baby

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _The unusually silent darkness made him think about Itachi, and how he might have lived his life outside the village._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I started school so posts will be on Saturdays, though I'm not sure people are reading this like that.

“Are you... _crying..?”_

Lee’s teeth clicked shut and he hunched his shoulders higher. He didn’t move to wipe the tears off of his face, because then it would make it obvious. Instead he bent his back, pushing his head toward the bars. 

His hips ached. 

"I-... I apologize," he murmured, "I did not mean to- to disturb you. I will try to be quieter."

There was a long pause, during which Lee tried to clear his lungs with slow deep breaths. Itachi's voice came closer to the partition, “You did a commendable job, at first. But I can hear your tears hitting the flesh on your hands.”

Lee pressed his lips together to keep them from wobbling. He swallowed and put his fingers into his eyes. “I understand. I will... be more careful.”

“You haven’t been careful a moment in my presence,” Itachi said, his voice thoughtful, “It makes me think you have a death wish.”

Lee’s breath shuddered. The image of those bodies, headless and staring dead eyed at the sky returned to him. He imagined himself among them and let out a wet laugh. “No one who values life chooses the way of the shinobi.”

“Except for that optimistic friend of yours,” Itachi drawled, “Uzumaki... was it?”

Lee nodded, rubbing his face against his shoulder in a pseudo attempt at comfort, “Naruto is an anomaly. Something like magic. He knows he can die, that we are all hurtling headfirst towards it, but he refuses to relent. He does not want that.”

“... I can see where his traits have rubbed off on you.” Lee scowled, shaking his head. How much more often could they be compared? Not that he had anything against Naruto. He was kind, and if Lee had been braver, or faster, or stronger, he would have taken any chance to be beneath Naruto. 

He pushed the idea away, “I am not like Naruto at all. Not at all.”

“You sing his praises every time you’re here. Wouldn’t you want to be compared to him?”

Lee laughed, but it was without weight, without mirth. Wouldn’t he want to be compared to Naruto? 

No, of course not. 

There was nothing about Naruto that Lee could understand. His optimism didn’t make sense. His blind devotion to others without understanding their motivations didn’t make sense. Naruto’s aspirations to become the scion of the village of the people who continuously hurt and scorned him _didn’t make sense._

“You love Sasuke very much, but I am sure you would not want to be compared to him,” Lee remarked sullenly. His tears had calmed substantially, but they were still coming. He closed his eyes and tried to revisit his fight with Itachi all those months ago (had it really almost been a _year?_ ) but instead all he could see was Gai’s stern eyes.

The tears began to flow more quickly, as Itachi murmured, “Are you implying that you love Uzumaki?”

Lee sniffled and wiped his face. Didn’t love involve some form of trust, some empathy, some desire to be closer to the person you were thinking of? Certainly. And although Lee didn’t trust Naruto even a whit, “I love Naruto as much as one can love a dear friend.”

Itachi sighed right near the bars and murmured, “...You are... surprisingly hard to tease, for someone so naive.”

Hah. Naivety implied innocence. Lee wished he _were_ easier to tease. He supposed he should be grateful that Itachi felt in a pleasant enough mood to speak with him in such a way. Did he tease Sasuke often? He wanted to ask, but couldn’t, staunchly aware of where the boundaries between a prisoner and his captee might lie. Pink eyes flashed in his mind.

He thought of the children he had met outside the village. Would they be crying right now? They had been facing much worse things than him. He imagined their ruddy, dirty cheeks, their eyes shining with sleep and hope. He shuddered. 

“When I was... on my last mission, I saw... Did anyone ever try to hurt you when you left... in-in _that_ way?” Lee asked. He couldn’t say what he meant, because then it would be too real. He was prying for information from an imprisoned man. Itachi was his own person, so he wouldn’t answer if he didn’t want to. It didn’t make this feel less like an interrogation. Yet Lee couldn’t say he wouldn’t mind if Itachi didn’t answer.

A sort of madness overtook him. 

Who would dare lay their hands on Itachi? After all he had gone through, after Lee had worked so hard for him-..?

He was losing his mind.

“What kind of shinobi do you think I am?”

Lee laughed, softly, wetly, pitifully. What kind of shinobi..?

_I am weak. Itachi is nothing like me._

“I... on my last journey, I met... a boy. His friends call him Raia. He was so strong even though he had been used so brutally. I was able to take him somewhere safe, but... I cannot know if he will be okay,” Lee admitted, wiping his face. He blatantly disregarded the parallels to himself.

“Was it a part of your mission,” Itachi asked, somehow more knowing than he’d ever been. He’d never directly asked Lee a question before their meeting today either. The young man was surprised. He sniffled a bit. 

“I forgot what my mission was about, even,” Lee murmured, straightening out. He felt as though Itachi was going to reprimand him at any moment. It stretched into a long, tense moment. 

“...If he saw your face, then he will remember your kindness,” Itachi offered. It sounded awkward. His voice was stilted, and Lee could hear him close by the bars. The brush of fingertips made Lee gasp, his body stiffening. But _he_ didn’t pull away. Itachi did. 

He was being too lax, he knew, but if he could have just this one thing, just _once_... A friend who was not always trying to read him. Someone who would comfort him without wanting to know why all the time. Lee would pay the price of his livelihood just to have this one moment in his mind forever. He felt a good portion of energy drain out of him. 

Lee would get killed like this. He wasn’t sure he minded.

“Thank you,” Lee squeaked. Itachi’s presence had moved away by now, but there was nothing cool about the distance. The silence that stretched between them was not uncomfortable for Lee. He hoped Itachi felt the same. 

Before the other guard took him off duty, he said, “I will be away on a mission for six weeks, this time. I hope your break from me is restful enough.”

It was a joke Lee had started saying upon parting between them. Itachi didn’t seem to mind it. 

“It is only too bad I enjoy irritating you so. Don’t take too long.”

Lee looked into the darkness of the bars, surprise ringing in his head as Itachi’s voice. He couldn’t tell, but he thought the older man might be smirking. Lee laughed wildly.

_**P a p a o u t a i** _

Lee dutifully ignored Neji’s staring as he wound down from his light exercise. It had been a rich morning, waking up before dawn even knew its own name to guard Itachi. Not that he had gotten much sleep the night before. He shuddered.

“You’ve been taking extra time to complete your missions,” Neji started. The thousandth time he’d mentioned it since Lee’s return the week before. The shorter brunette kept his face straight, using a long drink from his canteen to help. 

“I always make sure to send a letter when I am on my way back,” Lee said patiently, the same as he usually did. He turned to Neji and felt a hopeful grin stretch his face, “Are you saying this because you will miss me!? Neji, my Dear Friend-!”

“Ugh,” Neji said, turning away from him. Lee continued to smile, imagining Neji’s Eyebrow Twitch of Impatience. Neji continued, “Sending a letter is no excuse for tardiness. You’re burdening the Hokage.”

Lee’s eyebrows went up, then down. How could he be burdening the Hokage? He was just a body, a soldier who fought when she said ‘these are my enemies.’ If he died, wouldn’t it be in the service of the village? Then again, she always came to see him when he was in the hospital. He drifted off. 

So did she care or was he a tool? Perhaps... one of her more prized ones? 

He _did_ have one hundred percent success rate on all his solo S-class missions. Not that he had many of them. He could be getting ahead of himself in all this. Missions were apart of the village’s commerce; a way from them to make or break connections, secure food stores, bring in money from sources that were bountiful with it. 

Yes, he was getting ahead of himself. The only matter of importance for a shinobi was power, and he lacked that severely.

Lee must have been making a face, because Neji’s eyes were piercing in their search when he turned back to him. He asked, “What are you thinking..?”

“I wonder,” Lee said distantly, “I was... with Itachi Uchiha this morning.”

“Guarding him, you mean,” Neji said testily, obviously unhappy because Lee refused to call it that. The bulkier man frowned hard. 

“If we are being honest,” he said shortly, “Itachi destroyed twenty five percent of the village. The _strongest_ twenty five percent when he was _thirteen._ If he wanted to leave his cell, he could do it. I am not guarding him.”

“He lost to you,” Neji pressed, also starting to frown thoughtfully. Lee liked this look. It meant what he was saying was getting through. Lee had done a lot of research on Itachi as he was before he left the village. Not that he had come up with much, or that he could use any of it. He wasn’t that smart. _Neji,_ however, was a son of one of the most powerful clans in the village. If he wanted to dig up information, it would be no more difficult than picking a loose flower.

Lee shrugged, “Perhaps he was tired of fighting...”

He hadn’t meant it to sound so somber, but Neji’s sharp eyes were focused solely on him. He pointedly said, “If there’s something you want to share..?”

Lee sighed, “I just do not understand. How could he have killed so many people, so quickly, without anyone in the village noticing? No alarm bells, no sirens, no large-scale jutsu, no panic... "

Lee remembered those days well. One night everything had been fine, the next, there had been quiet panic, an unrest in the streets as people swelled away from the smell of death. Lee had thought to take a peek, slipping away from the orphanage, but the security had been tight. He hadn’t even gotten a block within range. 

“Why are you concerning yourself with this?”

“He is from Konoha,” Lee almost shouted, impassioned, “He is my-”

My..? _What?_

Friend?

_Coping mechanism when I want to forget all the things Gai-sensei has done to me?_

“He is a _criminal_. He is a prisoner for a crime that he undoubtedly committed, if Sasuke’s survival is any evidence. You need to get your head on straight, or I will recommend to the Hokage that you be taken off of his watch,” Neji said. His tone was clipped and cool. He dealt the wrenching blow to Lee just as he did with all other things; swiftly and with no hesitation.

Lee felt all of his energy disappear. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. His willingness to talk slipped away on his breath out. He took another drink of water. It was already tepid from the warm, midday sun.

“You are right. I will be more careful not to let my ponderings get the better of me. And I will be sure to return from my missions in a timely manner,” Lee said. He paused, looking around himself. He gathered up his things. Somehow, the good feeling from this morning was gone. All he wanted to do was go home and lie down. But he had a mission to prepare for. 

“Please excuse me,” he said, leaving Neji where he sat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A strange way to start the chapter after I built an antagonistic raport in the last one. Sometimes you cry and can't stop, and people catch you.
> 
> I'm laying it on a little thick here, but I hopefully will lighten up with the "woe is me" rhetoric soon.


	11. Time to Think

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _He was just a body; a soldier who fought when she said ‘these are my enemies.’ If he died, wouldn’t it be in the service of the village?_

The pain was excruciating, but if he wanted to make it out of there alive and with the other bodies, he would have to figure out _what_ that pain was. He shifted, acknowledging the ache in his arms from where they were chained above his back. Lee winced. His back stung as though he had been pierced with a thousand needles. 

He tilted his head and shifted a bit. His palms also stung, but it was localized to his APB muscles. Other than that pain, and the slight ache of his muscles from being in that position, he assessed he was only slightly weakened by lack of food.

The room he was in had a small stone ground and cobble walls. Even though he must have been on it for a long time, the floor was uncomfortably cold. He was chained to a bar that continued around the room in horizontal segments. Lee could hear something (water, perhaps) hitting the rocky surfaces. The bar was rusted in some places. At the far corner of the room, Lee could see a door if he leaned over. 

A short assessment meant he might be underground or in a mountain. No visible windows. This ache was perhaps a few days of lying unconscious. His hunger was _definitely_ a product of that. He hadn’t worn his vest or necessities when he had left the house he had been working out of for a short period.

Still, if he wanted to break this bar, he could. The question was: _did_ he? He had come to rescue that pompous man’s daughter, and whoever had grabbed him had brought him straight to their base of operations. Which was good. He hadn’t made much progress in the village, but now he wouldn’t have to search the damn country to find her. The problem lie in whether he would be able to hurt whoever enough to get information out of them. Or would they take him deeper in if he remained passive?

What would Itachi do?

A man Lee recognized from the tea house he had been drugged in stepped into the room, making the decision for him. He wore a mask similar in shape to Kakashi’s, but his was made of some sort of plastic and hooked over his ears. He had short dark brown hair, carefully combed over his ears. It was shiny even in the darkness. His eyes were small slits, angled upward at the corners. He was tall and lanky, but Lee could see the beginnings of strength from his uncovered forearms. His right arm had a long, slinking tattoo, darker black than Lee’s own hair. 

“You’re real resilient, you know that,” the man said, with smiling eyes. Lee didn’t reply. The man knelt down far enough that Lee couldn’t kick him. He was debating it. 

“You drank it down like a champ, but you still struggled real hard when you were on the table,” the man said. “ _And_ you woke up before all our other... friends.”

Lee didn’t reply. He was not good at interrogating others. People tended to undermine the pitch of his voice. Besides, most people talked about their intentions if you left them alone long enough. 

“You’re going to be making a _long_ journey soon, and we want you strong enough to make it, so you better drink this. Unless you want to travel as a dead body? We can transport you, but dying by starvation isn’t that pleasant.”

Lee glanced down at the tray. It had two pieces of bread and a steaming mug of tea. His stomach betrayed him by calling out. He frowned. The man laughed. It was hearty as it was wicked. 

“It’s not poisoned, either. What would be the fun in that?” He picked up one of the pieces of bread, broke a bit of it off, and ate it. He chewed slowly as Lee watched him. He guessed that, like last time, the drugs would be in the tea. If he drank, what would happen? His chances of escape were high, but the other missing persons wouldn’t stand a chance. The man moved forward and to Lee’s side, apparently feeling as though he couldn’t be attacked from there.

Lee would not attack him. If he could resist the drug, even a little bit, he would. 

“Open up,” the man said, feeding him little bits of bread. Lee opened his mouth obediently, staring at the man all the while. One one of the passes, he bit the man’s fingers hard. He used the motion of chewing to cover up his smile. The man cuffed him on the side of his head. He winced, biting his cheek accidentally. 

“Is that how you treat someone who’s going through the trouble of feeding you,” he muttered darkly. “The others didn’t want you to live. Thought you were a threat. But I knew you for the pussycat you really are. Could see it as soon as you set foot in our shop. Good body. Weak mind.”

Lee didn’t say anything, but licked the corner of his lips. He imagined what tone this man’s voice would take if Lee tortured him. Sort of hoarse, a high wail at the end of every plea. He swallowed the bread and a bit of blood. He made a mental note- there was more than one other person. So max body count to fight had gone up to three.

“Drink this,” the man spat, putting a hand on his cheek, and the cup to his lips. The ‘tea’ had a slightly sour undertone. The man’s eyes smiled.

_**P a p a o u t a i** _

The man before Neji had broad shoulders and a thick neck, and his bald head was sweating profusely. Still, neither his visage nor his mouth gave anything away.

“You hired him over _six weeks_ ago to find your daughter and he hasn’t returned with her. You seem unconcerned,” Neji pressed. He’d asked this line of question more than twice already. It was getting him nowhere. He just wanted to stress that the man was suspicious, that they were onto him. TenTen sighed behind him.

“Yes, I hired _one_ Konoha shinobi, and while he had yet to return, I’m sure it won’t be long now,” the man said, “He proved himself to be competent when he set foot here. Unlike your Hokage.”

He said it with such blithe nonchalance that Neji was tempted to send his head flying. TenTen inserted herself in between them, her back to her comrade. She stepped back to widen the gap between them, but she glared at that bald man. 

“We’re not _blind_ ,” she said, “We’ve been here long enough to know Lee’s not keeping correspondence with you. Meaning you know as little about his whereabouts as we do. Yet you’re waiting patiently as if nothing is going on.”

The man’s sweat glands seemed to start working double time, and he was dripping onto his neatly pressed shirt. He frowned at her, “Even _if_ ; I wasn’t concerned, there is nothing I can _do_ until he sends me a message. I can’t help you find your friend if _I_ don't even know where he is.”

“Where did he say he was going?” Neji ground his teeth, “He was working from here- all of his personal effects are still here.”

“He didn’t say anything particular to me that I can remember at this moment,” the man said dryly. He had doubled down on his stance of ignorance. Neji wanted to growl, but he wouldn’t stoop so low. He whipped away, not waiting for TenTen to continue the argument or follow. He had a growing migrain.

He remembered his last conversation with Lee. The cool distance between them as Lee’s face shut down had done something to Neji. He had been scared, but not like when he first felt the effects of his curse seal. Not like when Pein wreaked havoc on the village and Hinata fell to her death. 

Lee had closed himself up. _Lee,_ the image of candidness, had shut his mouth and politely agreed with Neji. 

Lee was better at hiding things than Neji thought. It was terrifying. 

“-said Lee had gone to the local tea shop at his gardner’s suggestion,” TenTen's voice cut back in under Neji's stream of thought. She only paused for a second, the momentary acknowledgement of his turmoil. Then she nodded to the small tea shop that she must have been told about by someone. Neji followed behind her, pushing away his morbid thoughts. 

The chime above the door gave a muted and gentle ding, and when Neji glanced at it, he realized that it lacked the bit of metal that would make up it's pistil. TenTen approached the counter immediately, noticing the shop was fairly full though it seemed older. 

A portly woman immediately greeted them both with a jovial smile, “Hello, welcome to my tea shop! Will you be sitting in today?”

“Yes please! Kawada-san recommended this tea shop to us, and said that you might be able to help us unwind. We traveled from Konoha, and it was a long journey,” TenTen introduced and cajoled. The woman blinked at her, then narrowed her eyes. Neji could see this going sideways quickly. He took a quick, discreet look around.

The woman clapped her hands together. It made a thunderous sound, and she went back to beaming, “Oh! Let me get my glasses!” She reached around the table and pulled out a pair of clean and slim looking spectacles. She slid them over her nose. Behind them, her clear chocolate eyes assessed them and she clapped again. “Oh dear! You must be the wonderful friends Dee-san was talking about!”

TenTen shared a look with Neji. The woman nodded to herself, rummaging around under the counter and pulling out a sheaf of paper. She smiled at TenTen, “He told me that if his friends were to come here, I should hand this over! Though I’m not sure why he handed it over to an old woman like me instead of sending a messenger off with it.”

“We often stop by tea shops to try out the local offerings. It was kind of you to hold onto this for us,” TenTen replied, “If we could have a small chabudai for two?”

“We’ve got just one left open,” the woman said, waving excitedly to a table farther in, near the corner of the room. Neji took a quick peek around again, but no one was more interested in them than they usually were. 

“Thank you,” Neji said as she let them get seated, and left them with tiny tea menus. TenTen wasted not a second the woman was gone to open the note up. 

_Sour jasmine_  
Kawada sees  
Sell blood 

"What the hell," TenTen murmured. Neji cursed. Of course Lee had left no clue as to where he might be.

_**P a p a o u t a i**_

“I thought you gave him a double dose,” one man hissed as Lee stumbled. Ah, that would make sense. He was feeling slightly dizzy, half in the real world and half in his boat, riding along with Naruto. He was looking over Lee’s shoulder, his alarm evident.

“Listen, buddy. I can only help you so much. _Duck!”_ Lee ducked down as his friend commanded, sliding out of the way of a wildly swinging kunai. These men may have been fighters, but shinobi they were not. Lee’s body shifted and it was like he was inside the boat. 

“Just- do the thing with your feet so you stick,” Naruto said, waving frantically as Lee’s back hit the table he had just been atop. 

“Never been good at that,” Lee grimaced, “C-can... not do it if I am drunk.”

“If we let this asshole get the better of us, we deserve to die,” scoffed the man who’d first spoken. He had small triangular scars beneath his eyes that crested all the way from his nose to his ears. He lacked any hair- no eyebrows, eyelashes, and a cap atop his bald head. He seemed the least skilled of all three there. The man Lee would need to worry about was Smiley, as Naruto so vehemently deemed him in Lee’s head. 

“Let’s all jump him,” Triangles replied, to which the man he was shielding shook his head wildly. 

“No way man! I’m just the artist! I’m not in this shit!”

Lee lunged forward, knocking Smiley back a few feet. Still, it was nowhere near what he usually did. Triangles lunged at him, making Lee fall onto his back. They wrestled for a minute, and Lee felt something sharp sink into his leg. He kicked out, getting the man off him, and rolled away. 

“Why am I so _weak,”_ he hissed to himself. Naruto knelt beside him sadly. He didn’t offer Lee a hand up, but stood with him.

“Hey, teach me that drunken fist style thing,” he said avidly, putting up his hands. Lee shook his head hard. The world spun. “C’mon man! You can’t get your feet steady for trying! So stop trying!”

Lee hated that a hallucination was making sense. He let his body sway, setting himself up to fight. The pain in his leg dissipated to a dull throb. His body begged- _begged_ him to lie down, to sleep and feel that it would be alright after a few more hours of rest. Naruto was replaced by Raidon, short stature doing nothing to undermine his menacing stare down upon Lee.

“Don’t you dare,” he growled. Lee dodged away from flying kunai, sliding easily to wherever his intoxicated body wanted him to go. “Kick their asses, Lock. For me.”

Lee smiled to himself. He doubted Raidon would ever say anything like that, but he supposed he could oblige. He would have to do so quickly, because there had to be at least one more person, a powerhouse, whom Lee was missing. These three were too weak to keep men and women under control for long periods. Of course, Lee had been drugged so hard he didn’t notice them _tattooing him_ until just now, but it was better to be safe than dead.

Smiley swung at him. It was sloppy, but Lee was sloppier. He slid back, bending almost double. He caught a glimpse of Triangles making his approach. Lee swung forward, dodging another strike. In his dodge, swing his body down and his leg up, hooking it around the man’s arm to slam his bare foot into his face. As Smiley stumbled, Lee hopped forward, hooking the front of his foot behind the man’s knee and pulling. 

The man fell back and hit his head on the floor. Lee flipped forward and slammed his heels down on the man’s pelvis. There was a dull thud, and Lee felt something hard in the man’s body give way. He felt dizzy from his flip and bowed just as Triangles flew past him with a kunai. The body below him groaned. 

“Get your ass up,” Triangles cursed in panic. Smiley moaned. Lee moved to get into crane stance, but was too dizzy to maintain it. He stumbled to the side just as the man swung at him again, bending to get his balance as the man swiped where his chest would have been. He felt too dizzy to remain standing. He fell onto his behind, his back stretching out onto the floor. 

He was _so_ tired. 

“Lee,” TenTen said, and her eyes were so sad, “Please don’t stay here.”

“Do not wanna do it anymore,” he murmured, “So tired.”

“Are you going to let the people here suffer more? Let them die, the way you’re letting yourself die,” she asked. Tears pooled in Lee’s eyes. He closed them, but they still slipped out. He heard Triangles shifted closer.

“Get him now,” Tattoo man shouted.

“I am _not,_ ” Lee replied to his imaginary friend. TenTen’s fingers crested through his hair, and it sent a cold tingle down his spine. He felt like he was floating in his happy place. Her fingers slipped away like water.

“Why won’t you tell us what Gai is doing to you?” Lee held in a sob, leaning his head against the floor. He heard Triangles continue a conversation but couldn’t make out what they were saying. “Don’t you trust us?”

“No,” he shouted, flicking his heels and hips up. He caught Triangles outstretched arm between his calves, pushing himself up onto his hands and using his momentum to flip Triangles onto his shoulder. He rolled away, and Lee followed him, dancing over the ground and trying to break the man’s arm. 

Triangles scrambled to stand as Lee dove forward onto his hands, spun. He kicked the kunai out of his hands, and landed a sharp kick to his jaw. The man flew into the air, and Lee followed him. 

The room was too small for a Leaf Hurricane, and he didn’t have his wraps, but he did what he could with the space. The man lie bleeding into the ground and unconscious in seconds flat. Lee danced back over to Smiley, still struggling to reconcile with his broken pelvis. He left a sharp kick to his temple as he passed, creeping and swaying towards the Tattoo Man. 

Naruto was once again frowning disapprovingly at his shoulder, perhaps aware of what Lee was about to do, perhaps only suspicious. A shame, because Lee never wanted him to witness this, no matter how real he was or wasn’t. 

“We should talk,” Lee slurred, as the man tried his best to exit the locked room. The look of terror in his eyes was well deserved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the first part of the hump. I guess we're almost at the height of the climactic hump.


	12. A Matter of Trust

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _He was so tired._
> 
> _“Lee,” TenTen said, and her eyes were so sad, “Please don’t stay here.”_
> 
> _“Do not wanna do it anymore,” he murmured, “So tired.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't put this anywhere, because I forgot: This is slightly AU. Madara Uchiha died a peaceful death. Obito does his deeds as Tobi. He made the Akatsuki, which Itachi and Kisame didn't join. Since I'm not writing a story about either of them, i figured I should put this here.

“Are you okay,” Lee asked, even though he himself was in no ripe state. The group he was traveling in seemed to follow his every move, dirty and scared and ready to go home. There were five captives; two men and three women, including the daughter of the man who’d hired Lee, Aria. Lee dragged the tattoo artist along beside him, hands cuffed together and mouth muzzled by something he had taken off one of the men. On his other side was one of the men who had been blinded by the torture, who was doing his best to keep pace with Lee.

He was asking Aria, but it was a rhetorical question. Lee had eyes. Unlike the other captives who had weeks of dirt compounded on their skin, except for the areas where their tattoos had been set and cleaned meticulously, Aria was only fairly dirty, her clothes rough but not ragged. Even though they were no longer drugged, they all sort of had this dazed appearance about them, as if they weren’t sure they wanted to be sober. One woman continuously cried about wanting to be high but not wanting to at the same time. 

Aria’s eyes were of a kind of clear predatory demeanor that Lee had seen many times before. It was the kind of look that told him a person didn’t believe that what they were doing was wrong whatsoever. Lee had never wanted to kill the people he hunted, only take the people who were hurting and set them free. 

He _wanted_ to kill Aria. 

The moment the tattoo artist had spilled that she and her father were in on it, he hadn’t believed. But after sloppily peeling the skin on the man’s hands, plucking a few of his fingernails, he suspected he wasn’t trained to lie that well. Besides which, seeing his two companion’s decapitated bodies should have been a good enough deterrent. Upon seeing her, he understood. She had made such a devastated face, had bat her lashes, shed fake tears while the addicted woman bawled. Aria was a faithful liar, and she thought Lee looked like a fool.

“Oh,” she said, turning big watery brown eyes on him, eyelashes wet appropriately, “I... I’m just glad I’m going home. I can’t thank you enough. I’ll make sure Daddy gives you double the reward.”

“Do not worry about that,” Lee replied, doing his best to be polite. The hope in his heart- the bit that was startlingly similar to Naruto’s desire to return Sasuke to their home- wanted her to be a victim too. He wanted to arrive at her village, have her true terror and PTSD come out, see her grieve the way the others seemed trying not to do. “I am simply happy I was able to get everyone there out.” 

Because if she was as bad as he thought she was, he wasn’t sure what he would do.

**_P a p a o u t a i_ **

The dawn was misty and too cool, doing nothing to calm the anxiety Neji was pretending he didn’t feel. Everything remained in gray wash, the sun doing it's best not to make its appearance above the horizon. Genma seemed to understand that he should skip the formalities of checking them out.

TenTen kept close to him as they set off. It was a pallid attempt at comfort. They both knew that if Lee could not be found on this journey, they wouldn’t get another chance. 

About thirty minutes into traveling at a grueling pace, set by Neji but adamantly kept by TenTen, a presence made him stop sharply. TenTen paused as well, watching him warily. Unless there was a threat to his life, Neji rarely even slowed, let alone stopped. 

They didn't have time to waste. 

A cacophony of noise not too far from where they were perched stopped itself. It was too loud and disorientated to be a bear or animal of that sort. The sharp pause in movement was loud to their ears. Neji activated his Byakugan. 

Relief and horror shot through him. 

"It's-"

A kunai barely missed his head, landing in the tree behind him with a dull _thunk._

"What the hell do you think you’re doing,” Neji shouted, panic swelling and dissipating, morphing into a sort of worried mania he’d never felt before. He vaulted over to where the kunai came from. A head of dirty, disheveled black hair fumbled its way out of the shrubbery. 

Lee struggled to stand straight, his eyes a sort of lifeless that Neji knew would haunt him. Actually, _everything_ about Lee was wrong, as Neji took him in. He was too pale, his limbs shaky like he wasn’t in control of himself. He wore dark clothes; a plain black shirt and plain black pants, the same kind Kakashi wore. In one hand he gripped his hitai-ate tightly. In the other, he held another kunai. His determined stare didn’t seem to have a focus, only barely registering Neji as there. 

There was a dark smudge running across his cheek that Neji recognized as dried blood. 

Lee leaned back, kunai drawn out purposefully. Where Neji stood frozen in shock, TenTen did not. She moved forward, murmuring, “Lee? Can you hear me?”

Lee gasped, leaning back further and coughing. Neji could see blood flying along with spittle. He shuddered. Lee drew himself in tightly, easing some of the horrid shake in his body. “I will not be fooled again.”

“Lee, we’re not... Can you _hear_ me? Do you know who I am,” TenTen asked again.

“The sun rises in the west,” he replied. Neji’s hackles raised, panic making room for annoyance. 

“Are you fucking serious,” he asked, all decorum lost. Lee narrowed his eyes. 

_“The sun rises in the west!”_

“Sets ablaze all things that live,” TenTen continued, shooting Neji a furious glare when he flinched in surprise. She shook her head. Slowly, it dawned on Neji that they had set up a code. Where Neji would be able to see through a genjutsu or henge with his kekkei genkai, the other two were not so lucky.

“Brings glory to the dead and pure,” Lee said, his kunai lowering. He didn’t drop it completely, but something in him began to sag.

“And lays herself to rest in the east,” TenTen finished. Lee seemed on edge for one eternal second more before he slumped, his legs giving out on him and sending him careening to the floor. “Lee!,” TenTen scrambled to his side. The kunai in his hands was stuck to his fingers with blood. 

“I am sorry, my dear friends,” Lee groaned into the ground, body shivering, “I could not see very well, so I-...”

“Don’t talk Lee, don’t talk. We’re taking you home, don’t worry about anything,” TenTen admonished. For the first time, Neji could hear the tremor of worry in her voice. He doused his flame of self-pity, self-anguish, and turned. 

“Help me get him on my back,” Neji said, tugging at Lee’s arms. TenTen helped push him up. The realization that Lee was much _much_ lighter than Neji remembered made him bolt as soon as he was sure the other man was secure. TenTen followed.

“Neji..?” Lee’s voice was faint against his shoulder.

“Don’t talk, you imbecile,” Neji bit. 

“I am... sorry for being late again,” he replied weakly, “Do you think... Tsunade-sama will be angry with me?”

Neji clenched his teeth, unable to respond. TenTen stuck close to them, a pallid attempt at comfort.


	13. A (R)rest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Lee struggled to stand straight, his eyes a sort of lifeless that Neji had never seen before._

Sakura had tried the gentle approach. Lee's body was in a rough state, and from what Neji and TenTen told her, his mind wasn't too far off either. There were dark circles around Lee's eyes, and even unconscious, he trembled. 

His organs were beginning to fail, starting with his kidneys. It was both dangerous and concerning; Lee didn't seem to have any food in his stomach, nor was his blood poisoned. Sakura had worked through every possible ailment in less than twenty minutes, because she didn’t want to deal with the roaring elephant in the room.

The newly acquired tattoos spread across Lee’s back glared at her. It looked like an angry family tree. Sitting at the base of Lee’s skull, where they had shaved off some of his hair to reach, was a circle done in a bold black line. It’s edges were painfully red, as though it had just been laid down. Connected to that were similar circles, though with thinner lines, containing characters that resembled kanji, but weren’t. They didn’t make any sense to Sakura, and she was well versed in many things, including ANBU code from other villages.

It didn’t matter what they were supposed to mean, because Lee’s chakra was being drained by them. They seemed to swell and shift on his skin, taunting her. Sakura had tried a gentle approach. Siphoning off Lee’s chakra slowly as her teammates worked to get Lee’s organs functioning regularly. 

The tattoos began to eat away at _their_ chakra then, making everything _one hundred percent_ more difficult.

So... Sakura had tried ‘gentle.’ 

Now it was time to get back to what she knew. Whatever the tattoos on his back were building up to, it was going to be violent. It was going to hurt. “Sorry, Lee,” she murmured, running a quick hand through his sweat plastered hair. Sakura took position, preparing her teammates for a painful backlash. The only way to get things under control was to release what Sakura had come to realize were jutsu stacked on top of one another, stored inside the tattoos.

With deft hands, Sakura undid the jutsu in the ink down on his exterior spinae, where his back dipped into a dimple. There were many, but they all seemed to be water based. 

Lee was up on his hands and knees, growling, screaming, shaking. He swung his head back and forth like an animal as tears began pouring from his eyes. He choked and gagged, spilling water and bile from between his lips. He shook his head, and water trickled out of his ears, then dripped like a running faucet. His nose did the same. 

The sheets Sakura had him poised on were soaked through and tinged a worrying pink by the time everything came out of Lee. But it _did_ come out, leaving him trembling weak on the table. Still, he eyed everyone with wild, wet, bleary looks. Sakura noticed as she tried to approach that the symbol inside the circle had faded considerably. She would have to check if there was anything else inside. 

“Get away from me,” Lee snarled, “I will kill you!”

Sakura held up her hands, approaching as she would one of her manic patients, “If you kill me, I can’t help you. We have to get that stuff out of you before it kills you... Lee, can you hear me?”

“I will... I will not be tricked again,” he hissed, swaying on the table. It was obvious he was trying to get himself onto his feet. 

“I’m not tricking you. The sakura tree blossoms on a fine spring day,” she said. Lee seemed to recognize that, though not her, it seemed. He turned, his eyes wide on her face, then narrowed. Not in the malicious manner of before, but like he couldn’t see.

“I-I cannot... Hurts, I...” Sakura’s heart broke for him. She had no idea what Lee had gone through, and it was probably a miracle he was lying on her table right then. And Sakura was not about to let it go to waste. If she could save his life, she would.

“I know, Lee. Let me do my job,” she replied, “Can you trust me to get it right, Lee? Please?”

Lee didn’t look certain. Tears began pouring from his eyes anew, startling Sakura into thinking the torrent had begun again, but nothing more came from Lee’s other parts. He simply sobbed quietly into the room that echoed it back to him.

“I am sorry,” he said, before collapsing back into unconsciousness. Sakura made sure he was really out before she moved forward again. She swore that whoever had done this to Lee would pay dearly.

_**P a p a o u t a i** _

It was hard to stay awake. As soon as Lee realized where he was (the smell of fresh grass, rain, and cooked treats cutting through the antiseptic odor of the hospital told him so), all his energy left him. He let himself be tired.

The sheets of the hospital bed were much welcome change to grimy cement or wooden floors. No one here was crying or wailing. No one was waiting for him to fall asleep. 

And he slept a lot; just fell apart into unconsciousness whenever he could. Sometimes he'd eat and feel the heavy warm lull pull him under. Sometimes the sun would kiss his eyes, asking him to take a quick peek at the outside. A glimpse of a clear, or semi cloudy sky, and then he'd be right back to sleep.

It wasn't that Lee was feeling _tired._ Not in the usual way. It seemed like the fatigue of being on such a long mission wore off the first two days, and the ache of surgery only took another two. It was just that his body couldn't stand to be awake if he wasn't eating or talking. Not that Sakura really allowed him to speak with anyone. 

He was grateful, but somewhere in his bleary consciousness, he knew this couldn't last.

Tsunade visited him on another such day where Lee was willing himself to just 'get up, get up, _why can't I get up!?'_ He flinched awake when he heard crowded whispers a little farther away from his bed. 

He just won't stay awake," Sakura's voice said, "I've given extra vitamins in his soup, gave him electrolyte heavy drinks, monitored his vitals."

The organ failure had no lasting effects either, correct?" 

There was a pause. “There _is_ some damage to some of his primary tenketsu. They’ve been stretched beyond their means, but after removing the jutsu, there haven’t been any problems. Other than the fatigue.”

Tsunade sighed, murmuring something that Lee couldn't hear. He feared the markings were releasing something that was making him exhausted, but he couldn't find the energy to tell them his theory. 

"Go and prepare more food for him. Something more solid, this time. I'm going to see if I can have a chat with him."

"Yes, Tsunade-sama," Sakura said, and Lee could hear the slide of the door being shut. There were the soft sounds of a chair being lifted and placed beside his head. Tsunade sighed beside him, her voice soft as she spoke.

"What am I going to do with you?" Tsunade asked, "Must you insist on worrying your friends?"

"I did not mean to," Lee croaked, pushing his sheets away from his face. It was hard to open his eyes, and when he did, the Hokage's blurry image was bathed in the bright blonde glow of midday sun. He closed his eyes against it, and slowly pushed himself to sit up. It was a struggle, but he felt triumphant when he was able to sit up at least partially.

“Welcome back,” she said, though Lee felt there was more she wanted to add to the phrase that she didn’t. He tried blinking slowly to get rid of some of the blurriness, but it wouldn’t clear up completely. He rubbed his eyes a bit.

“Thank you, Tsunade-sama... Since you are here, does that mean I can give you my mission report,” he asked. His voice felt slightly dry, and he hoped she didn’t mind too much. He tried to lift his eyes to meet hers, but couldn’t. They drifted across the crisp white sheets, tinted a soft and lovely cream color in the light. He pushed his fingers across it.

“Rock Lee... Do you know where we are,” she asked. Lee frowned.

“We are in the hospital.”

“Yes that’s right... Just to be clear, where is this hospital located,” she asked. Lee tangled his fingers in the sheets, feeling a bit irritated. Then it cooled out. She was just making sure he was in a proper place to even give his mission report.

“It is to the west of the Hokage tower, just before training grounds seven,” he replied astutely. Tsunade didn’t say anything for a long time, then put a hand on the one that was still twisting in the bed sheets. It was nice. Cool.

“Okay. You are correct. Now I need you to tell me _where_ we are. Where are all these places located,” she asked him patiently. Lee relaxed. That was easy.

He was home.

“We are in-...” His voice seemed to stop itself. It sort of got stuck, like he knew the words but couldn’t say them out loud. It was kind of like that time he had told Kakashi-sensei that Gai was hurting him. It had taken a long time, but it felt lightening when he finally got it out.

Too bad; Kakashi hadn’t believed him.

“I am... I _ammm..._ Why can I not say it,” he asked himself harshly, “I know where I am! I am..!”

“Take your time. Don’t work yourself up. Just let it come out,” she said, not letting go of his hand. The more he tried to say it, the harder it became. His breathing became harsh, shuddering things.

He snatched himself away from her and folded in on himself, “What if I am _not_ where you think I am? What if I did nothing to help those people but walk them into a trap? Tsunade-sama trusted me enough to let me go on this mission alone and I failed!”

He didn’t feel like crying, didn’t know where he got the energy to shout from. The frustration seemed to bleed into him, but not become strong enough for him to lash out. He curled tighter.

Why couldn’t he feel anything? He was scared.

“ _I do_ trust you on solo missions,” Tsunade said, “You did a good job returning.”

“Then why do I not remember how I got here,” he asked his knees, shivering from his own tight hold. 

“... Lee... are there other times when you can’t remember how you got somewhere? Sometimes might be cooking, or training, or even after you’ve fallen asleep. You lose track of time, and then you wake up somewhere you weren’t before?”

Lee froze. He didn’t want to answer, but he nodded meekly.

“Then I need you to look at me, and tell me what you remember,” she said, gently replacing one of her hands on his. It took him a long time to look at her again. She waited more patiently than he thought she ever might. He wondered why he was getting such special treatment from the Hokage.

“I was... The mission was to rescue the daughter of Kawada. He was being... dishonest, so I decided to try and retrace her steps. I was drugged in the tea shop where she and her father visited often. They took me... away, somewhere. It was underground or in a mountain or... His daughter and other captives were there as well.”

“So you found their base of operations... Why didn’t you send for help,” Tsunade asked. Lee frowned, lowering his head.

“There was a high chance my call for help would be intercepted, and I did not want to risk the others lives. They were civilians. I was starved, so I had no confidence in keeping them alive until help arrived.”

But you escaped with the civilians in tow, so why didn’t you call for help then,” Tsunade asked. She wasn’t using a stern tone with him, but he could feel himself shrinking as though he had been reprimanded. The heat of the sun through the window began to burn his neck.

“I sent for ninja near their villages to escort them home. I... found there was a traitor among the captives... I thought she was Kawada’s daughter. She put on such a good act. The real daughter never corrected her, or perhaps she was trying and I was too upset to notice. We arrived at Kawada’s village. I made sure the other ninja were able to bring their people home. The fake daughter was very displeased with me...” Lee shuddered.

“Lee... this is not a mission report. I am not here to reprimand you. I want you to recount what you know, so that you may come to understand where you are. You’re safe, Lee. We’re not your enemies. No one will hurt you under my watch,” Tsunade promised. Lee wished he could believe her. He wished so greatly that he did not feel as though he were on foreign land every time he returned here.

“How do you _know_ that?” he whispered. He clenched his teeth shut, jaw working until it was aching painfully./p>

“Lee... Is someone hurting you? Are you in trouble?” Tsunade’s hand was firm but still cold where she held onto his clenched fist. He shook his head with more ardor than he meant. He was not being hurt, he had chosen that. He had not pushed Gai away when he had the chance.

_You always push him away. He never listens._

“I... How do I know that I am here. Everything was a trick... a game. How do I know you are not also like that?”

“Didn’t you use your code with TenTen? What’s putting you off from thinking that this is real?” Tsunade was rubbing his hand. It made him slightly uncomfortable, but not in the usual way touching others felt. It was like he could not feel what she meant by the touch.

“I-I can not... feel anything,” he murmured, “I am not scared or angry... I am not happy to be... Everything feels blank.”

“Blank?” Tsunade asked, and her grip on his hand tightened shortly. She released it, obviously not wanting him to notice. Lee turned his head to her, still trying to look up at her but failing. His eyes feel heavy, still. A knot formed in his throat. 

“Am I-..?”

“We’ll have Sakura change your medication,” she said firmly, cutting him off, “You’re suffering exhaustion in all forms, your gates have dilated to a level we’re monitoring closely. Eat as much as you can, and I’ll have your friends visit you. Once you settle back in, I’m sure you’ll feel more like yourself.

He wanted to badly to trust her. Tsunade had always done her best to make him better. Lee covered his face with his arms until she left the room. He would try.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is getting away from me (I’m on chapter eighteen, about) and that’s where I start to lose interest. I’m blowing past some important parts without even meaning to. I hope I can find my desire to finish this, or at least write it how I dreamt it.


	14. Check-Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _"What am I going to do with you?" Tsunade asked, "Must you insist on worrying your friends?"_
> 
> _"I did not mean to," Lee croaked, pushing his sheets away from his face. It was hard to open his eyes, and when he did, the Hokage's blurry image was bathed in the bright blonde glow of midday sun._

Bleary and stiff from long bouts of sleep, Lee didn’t bother moving too much from where he stared out of his hospital room window. It was very cloudy, though Lee could tell the clouds wouldn’t get thick enough to deposit its precious cargo upon them just yet. There was a dull ache in his upper arms, back, and legs, right down to his ankles. He was well aware that the pain would be some kind of excruciating if Sakura had been any less of a good doctor and hadn’t taken palliative measures.

A soft breeze shuffled Lee’s too long fringe out of his eyes, caressing his cheek smoothly. He thought of Itachi, not being able to enjoy even this. The bleariness began to grow into lethargy. 

The door to Lee’s room slid open. 

“How long are you guys going to loiter around here!?” Sakura closed the door with a sharp click. Though Lee couldn’t see her, he could imagine her scowling angrily at the other occupants in the room. It brought a small smile to his lips, but it was gone as quickly as it came. He should muster up the energy to turn around. Sakura continued to admonish, “How is Lee supposed to get any rest when you guys are here?”

Someone grumbled something about two weeks of rest, but before Lee could figure out who, Kiba talked loudly over them, “I’m staying till visiting hours are over. ‘S nothing else to do today, anyway!”

“You could be training,” Neji remarked, sounding usually unimpressed, “Exams for Jounin are approaching, and if I recall, you failed the last two...”

“Fuck you,” Kiba growled, _“Some_ of us don’t want to be apart of that ass kissing, brown nosing shit. _Thanks.”_

“Enough,” Sakura’s voice brooked no argument by Lee’s ear, “Bicker about your marriage somewhere else, or I’ll kill you both.”

Lee flinched. It was a minute thing, a twitch of his shoulder and head as if he were trying to deflect a swipe to the neck. It did the job of helping him turn his head to look at her. 

It was harder to pretend he was alone looking across the room. Sakura’s sharp, almost studious look of concern sunk into his skin, making him feel both mute and uncomfortably itchy. He glanced slowly around the room. Neji was staring at him hard, his eyebrows strung together by a tight knot of flesh on his forehead. TenTen, by his side, was of a similar vision, though her concern didn’t do so much to twist her face, save her lips. 

Lee couldn’t see Naruto or Kiba, but he could assume they looked the same. He lowered his eyes, hoping to disacknowledge their piercing stares. His eyes fell upon the tray of food held between strong hands. Sakura put the tray down on the rolling cart and pushed it in front of him. 

“Thank you very much, Sakura-chan,” he said, slowly tasting words that weren’t filled with hatred or anger or vitriol. She searched his face, and he patiently let her, watching her gentle green eyes.

“I need you to eat _everything_ this time, Lee. Even if you’re not hungry. You need your energy back,” she admonished, her usual cutting, stern tone nowhere to be found. Lee did his best to smile at her and nodded. He carefully gazed around the place- some inarizushi, eggs, carefully cut and pickled cucumber and carrots, and white rice in abundance. Above it all were two cups- one filled with water, the other with what Lee could only assume was tea. A shiver a fear ran down his spine, and for a moment he was back in that long hall, watching that woman eat. 

He closed his eyes, carefully reaching for his chopsticks, “I understand.” Lee really _did_ understand. No one wanted to be out of that hospital more than he did. He wished he was back in the haven of Itachi's isolated cell. He could hear the unamused ramblings of the other man at his back, their quiet breaths, his own thoughts verbally flowing out of his body to disappear in the air between them.

Lee ate dutifully, picking apart the egg and veggies to consume them first. He tried not to eat _too_ slowly, but couldn’t bring himself to eat with as much vigor as he usually did. It was hard just working his jaw to chew. 

“So, er, Lee! What’s it like going on a solo,” Naruto began to chatter, obviously unaware, for which Lee was very grateful. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to talk about the mission, it was that he didn’t know where to start. He didn’t know how it ended, really. Naruto blustered on, “I mean, not having someone watching over you and telling you what to _do-”_

“Solo missions are not the time for you to live out your fantasy of being an adult, Naruto,” Neji reprimanded shortly. Lee finished off his water, and peered over what was left of his food. He had finished the eggs and some of the vegetables. He felt it would be eons before he was done. He talked to distract himself.

“You are right, Naruto-kun,” Lee replied, doing his best impression of a smile, “There is no one telling you where you should and should not go, where you cannot rest or what you should not eat.” Naruto’s eyes seemed to sparkle. Lee sometimes forgot that Naruto was only six- _seventeen_ (had it really been three and a half months?) He felt his melancholy drag him down a bit, realizing he was about to dash Naruto’s hopes. 

“You must also have good time management, so that you can complete missions on time. And you do not have anyone around to confide in should you second guess your decisions. Besides which, if you find yourself in a fight, there will most certainly never be a one opponent. Many people in the world do not like shinobi.” He didn’t look at Naruto as he said the last part, but he could feel his frown like a tidal wave of discontent. He pushed more carrots into his own mouth.

“Not everything is fun and games, Naruto,” Sakura grumbled softly.

“I know that,” he crowed back, equally as soft. Lee felt miserable for making things like this. He attempted to change the subject.

“I do get to meet a lot of nice people,” Lee tried. Still the silence remained awkward. Lee shoved a piece of inarizushi into his mouth. He couldn’t get the energy to chew or swallow it. 

“Like the lady at the tea shop?” Neji asked pointedly. Lee tried not to let his shoulders hike up, tried not to turn his body away. He chewed the food that had been sitting for too long. He could barely taste how good it probably was. Lee put the last bit of egg into his mouth so he wouldn't have to speak.

“Why didn’t you take the reward money,” TenTen’s gentle but stern voice floated across the room. Lee almost choked, his body freezing up just as he made to swallow. No one said anything as they waited for him to speak. 

“I did not think,” he paused, realizing that was far too close to the truth, “... I did not want to.”

“When you lie,” Sakura started, and her voice was so hard Lee could feel it cuffing his ears, “You take a long pause, so you can think about what you want to say. You being a bad liar is one of those things I like about you, Lee.”

He couldn’t stop himself from tightening up, his body leaning away from all the wall of intent so close. He turned his head to the window, his once slow heart beat now sounding like the unsteady practice of an aspiring taiko artist.

“You’ve been acting funny,” Kiba said, “I mean, you’re usually weird but this is another level. My whole pack was on edge after you pulled that stunt in the lake.”

“I do not want to talk about this,” Lee said weakly. 

“That’s too bad,” Neji growled. 

“Shut up, Neji,” Naruto muttered lowly, and though he wasn’t the best at sensing chakra, Lee could feel the oppressive wave of it Naruto sent in his comrade’s direction. 

“So you understand,” TenTen asked, ignoring the blatant threat emanating within the room, “We know _something_ has been going on, Lee. We can see it. And not just since you brought in Uchiha. For months... no, maybe even a year before then...”

The weakness overtook Lee in such a way that the chopsticks slipped from his fingers. He began to tremble, his insides feeling as though they were turning to dust. The tightening sensation he felt earlier rose up across his skin, until he was curling into himself and shaking his head.

"I _do not_ want to talk about this," he said, doubling over until his hair was in his food. 

"We hoped you could, but if you won't... We'll figure it out on our own," Naruto said firmly. Lee's fingers tightened on his own skin until he was pinching himself. It should hurt, but all he could feel was writhing discomfort, like he wanted to burst out of his own body. 

"How did you cut your foot that night," Neji asked. Lee clenched his teeth.

"How did you get those bruises," TenTen asked, and Lee felt like all the air had left the room. One moment he was breathing hard, the next he wasn't breathing hard enough. He tried to break the tightness of his lungs by gasping. Lee put his hand on the cart in front of him to try and push it away. His head and back bowed as he bent double. 

He couldn't breathe. Lee shut his eyes tight until the sound of the room sort of started to get muffled. Everything whirring through his head sort of built up until, like the crashing waves of the sea it hit a craggy wall and shattered. The sounds he had once recognized as the dissonance of the hospital petered out until there was nothing but silence.

For a long while, everything was still. Lee felt oddly serene. Slowly the sound of water lapping at a hard surface came to him. It was quiet, so quiet that he almost thought the sound wasn't real. But then he could feel a sort of muffled feeling across his back, like cold air batting at a thick blanket. Like the air of a marsh in the morning, cool and beckoning.

He slowly unfurled himself, and he was sitting in the boat with Tsunade.

"Welcome back," she said patiently, though her face was anything but welcoming.

**_***_ **

"Lee," Sakura held onto Lee's back and shoulder, anchoring him from curling up more, "Are you listening? Can you hear me?"

"Is he okay?" Naruto asked redundantly, "Should I shock him or something?"

"No, there's no change in his physical health," she said, but didn't mention what she suspected were elevated stress levels. 

A short knock at the door preceded Tsunade's entrance. She took a short look around the room, noticed Lee's prone form, and let her face darken. Sakura felt a trill of fear go up her spine. 

"I came to look for my protegé to get an accurate update on hospital matters and look what I find," she said slowly. The deliberateness of her tone made everyone stand, including Naruto, who was (almost) _sure_ he hadn't done anything wrong. 

"I'm sorry, Tsunade-sama. I just need to make sure Lee's alright," Sakura started. Tsunade held up her hand. 

"Can you tell me what you think is wrong," she asked in a studious tone. Sakura looked nervous. Naruto shifted uncomfortably on his feet. Tsunade turned her piercing, obviously angry eyes on him. 

"Hey, I didn't do anything this time," he crowed. 

"Somehow I doubt it," she said, eyeing Lee's prone form, "All of you, get out. Wait in the waiting area for me, and if you're not there when I arrive, so _help_ me."

"Tsunade-sama, please let me assist you," Sakura said, her eyes filled with determination and the ever present will to learn. Tsunade watched her for a long moment and sighed. She was bright, willing to learn all she could to be the greatest at her craft. So busy filling her head, however, left little room in her heart for the kind of compassion this would take. 

Sakura reminded Tsunade too much of herself. 

"Just sit back on this one," she muttered, "The rest of you, _out!"_

Naruto scrambled out of the door, followed more leisurely by Kiba and TenTen. Neji narrowed his eyes as Lee's form before flicking his head away from Tsunade like an offended horse and leaving, shutting the door behind himself.

"Stand back, Sakura," she commanded. Sakura removed her hands from Lee and stepped back, watching her teacher intensely. Tsunade looked at Lee's clenched form carefully. Without being close she could hear his irregular breathing.

She took a seat on the bed beside him and put a cool hand on the back of his neck. Slowly, his breathing evened out, and the tense set of his shoulders loosened. 

"Lee, can you hear me?" She leaned close and talked softly. For a long while, Lee didn't so much as shift. Then, slowly, like the unfurling of a flower, he sat up. Or at least, he tried to, and Tsunade did her best to assist him. 

"Rock Lee," she repeated, "Do you know where you are?"

"Nnt," he mumbled. If this were even a year ago, even six months ago, she would have cursed. As it stood, she simply took a sharp sigh. She gently rubbed the back of his head, right at the nape of his neck. She looked at the deep black, circular scar masquerading as a tattoo there. She frowned at it. His skin was clammy; warm below and cold on the surface.

"Okay... Can you eat for me? Is there food there?" Tsunade peered around him and found the chopsticks near his limp hand. She picked them up, put them in his hand, and closed his fist around them.

It took Lee a long time to register that he had anything in his hand. They watched as he seemed to gain more control over his body. He replaced the chopsticks in his own hand, looking over the food in front of him. He began eating again, slowly and deliberately, as if nothing had happened. 

The only evidence of his strangeness was his inability to answer, and the fact that he was letting Tsunade pet him without so much as a flinch. 

"Tsunade-sama-"

"Shh," she tsked softly, shooting her student a stern look, "Rock Lee... If you can, _when_ you can, I need you to tell me what the food tastes like. Just anything that stands out."

They were quiet for a long time, the only sounds from Lee's slow chewing. He picked up another inarizushi- his last, and stared at it. He mumbled something, then stuck it into his mouth. 

"What did you say? You have to speak up," she pressed. She gave his neck a gentle squeeze and peered into his face. He blinked, and a single teardrop fell from his lashes. Tsunads reared back, removing her hand for fear that she had made something worse. 

"... like ashes," he muttered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize if y'all were waiting for this. I was unsure how to tackle the next part. I'd love another set of eyes on this, cuz it's hard when it's just me.


	15. Calling Card

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _He slowly unfurled himself, and he was sitting in the boat with Tsunade._
> 
> _"Welcome back," she said patiently, though her face was anything but welcoming._

As the Hokage of the great Hi no Kuni, Tsunade had come to understand what burdens stood on her shoulders. More than tax legislation and preventative measures for monsoons, she had to care for a legion of shinobi- of men, women, and _children_ who worked as soldiers under her command. People who had barely ever registered what it meant to take care of themselves. 

As someone who had lived in and- for lack of a better term- abandoned Konoha, Tsunade felt she understood it's flaws. She had been left adrift with nothing but bottomless bottles to fulfill her. She had lost her loved ones to time and war and petty squabbles. Konoha had no network to repair those things. The shinobi (and it's civilians, she highly suspected) were falling to shambles, barely holding onto themselves by using their tattered friends as anchors. 

Now, she was in the particular position to rectify these things. They wouldn't be good all of a sudden, but if she could just push things in the right direction, if she could start the ball rolling, she knew her people could continue the work. She knew _Naruto_ would never let it go to waste, and that his friends would support him. 

That was, _if_ she could make them understand the importance before they did something irreparable. Rock Lee was her trial run, and while they were doing their best, if this went wrong, it could go _very_ wrong. Tsunade sighed, pressing her fingers to the bridge of her nose.

"This is not an interrogation, just start from the beginning," she said, deliberately talking slowly to keep from getting upset. 

"Tsunade-sama, I don't mean to be disrespectful, or interrupt, but what was... Lee wasn't... He didn't respond, but he still-" Sakura but off the end of her sentence, looking with pleading eyes at her mentor. Tsunade could see that Sakura was frustrated that her knowledge wasn't adequate in a situation like this. _Not_ that Lee was possibly in trouble.

She looked around at Rock Lee's friends, their varying degrees of worry, and made a decision. Tsunade replied, "Rock Lee is in what is called dissociative fugue, or fugue state. Basically, his mind and body are disconnected."

"Is it similar to shock? Will he-," Sakura paused, seeming to realize who she was standing near, and shook her head. 

"No, not like shock at all," she responded quickly, "His bodily functions are working properly, but in order for them to _keep_ working properly, Lee has separated his consciousness from his body. He's eating, breathing, mostly acting normally. He simply won't be able to respond properly to verbal cues as he likely can't hear them at all. The best way to help him out of that state is to give him things he can feel with his senses. Getting him to eat and try asking him what his food tastes like-..."

"Did we do that," Naruto interrupted, looking terribly guilty, like he would throw himself from the window to atone, "He was... He wasn't _fine,_ but he could at least hear us before we..."

Tsunade eyed him carefully, and looked at the rest of them. Both TenTen and Neji were looking at her with determined looks, though the set of TenTen's forehead held worry. Kiba wasn't looking at her at all. 

"You're correct. He most likely _wasn't_ fine before whatever it is that you did, so when the situation became too much to bear," she held her hands up and spread her fingers out in a pantomime of disintegration. Naruto made a face composed of pure fear. Tsunade sighed again, "Lee isn't harmed. At worst, he'll have some memory loss, but so long as he doesn't stay in that state for too long, he will be fine."

"And if he does? Stay in that state for too long..?" Neji asked. Tsunade clicked her teeth. Trust Hyuuga to ask all the hard questions. She forced herself not to rub the bridge of her nose again. 

"Nothing devastating... but something that will take a lifetime to repair," she replied, trying to impress the gravity of it on them, since he had wanted to know. Tsunade herself wasn't completely knowledgeable on the subject, and had never seen examples of what she'd studied. Whatever the case may be, Lee was a trained shinobi, and who knew what could happen if he developed another personality. "But let's assume that won't happen, hm? Now, tell me how this started."

"Was... Was he in this state before," Naruto asked, getting a faraway look in his eyes, "The time he got injured by the lake?"

"If you can start answering my questions, I can answer yours more clearly," she said impatiently. 

"Lee hasn't been his usual weird self. Like he's trying real hard- too hard sometimes- to be his usual self but it ain't working," Kiba said, "He's been getting worse, like... not even trying to hide that something is wrong. Just doing dumb shit, now."

"He's been taking too long to complete missions," TenTen stated. 

"But returning fatigued and injured beyond what the missions entail," Sakura continued. 

"He has an... intense interest in Itachi Uchiha," Neji said, and Tsunade took note of the bitterness of his tone. She nodded her head. 

"These things I am fully aware of," she said testily, though she was glad to hear a different perspective, "What I want to know is how long you think this has been going on?"

The group looked at each other, as if trying to gauge who had seen something the longest. 

"Probably... Years?" TenTen admitted with an air of uncertainty, "I can't be sure, because it was slow before the lake incident. Lee purposely started cutting his knuckles against the training stump a couple years ago... That's when I started to notice."

"I knew he started swimming with weights on, maybe... A year and a half ago," Kiba thought out loud, "I didn't think it was strange at that time, since he said it was extra training." 

"He won't hang out with us anymore," Naruto said, his eyes locked on some faraway spot on the floor, "I thought things had changed, since we went out to eat before the lake thing happened. But maybe we made things worse..?"

"Don't _ever_ blame yourself for trying to be good to someone," Tsunade admonished forcibly, "You're not forcing Lee to do these things, it is just the way his mind has learned to cope with stress."

"So what should we do," Naruto asked, looking almost desperate, "Asking him directly doesn't help anything, _ttebayo!"_

"And trying to figure it out through clues ain't do shit, either," Kiba swore, "He'll lie or cover or whatever until he can't breathe. Or he’ll say he doesn’t want to answer and then do that shit."

"We can't _make _someone want to get better," Tsunade said somberly, casting her eyes over all of them, "but you _can_ be kind to them."__

__"Hah??" Kiba looked at her like she had just sprouted dog ears. She did tap her foot impatiently this time._ _

__"Just keep... noticing things. Keep an eye out for each other, tell me if you feel like something isn't right, keep inviting Lee out, even if he doesn't agree."_ _

__"So we gotta babysit him?" Kiba asked, looking like nothing appealed to him less. He peered at Naruto and his face contorted, like he felt he had no choice._ _

__Tsunade shook her head once, a firm display of throwing the idea out. "No. Chances are he'll resist help even more if he knows you're doing so... Which is what I'll assume happened just now."_ _

__They all let varying degrees of shame carry across their bodies. Tsunade sighed._ _

__"Let's start with something easier," she said, "Let's start with Itachi Uchiha."_ _

__"Isn't Lee's fascination with him is only making him worse," Neji all but growled. Tsunade resisted the urge to raise an eyebrow._ _

__"Quite the opposite. I think Lee purposely uses Uchiha's circumstances as a pleasant distraction. He feels that if he's helping someone else, whatever is going on will be alleviated."_ _

__Neji scoffed so harshly the Hokage could see spittle fly, “Leave it to that _imbecile_ to be interested in helping a-" Tsunade shot him a sharp glare, and he shut his mouth with barely the click of his teeth. _ _

__"Lee has brought some... interesting details about the massacre to my attention during his mission briefing. At the very least, it's something to investigate further. I haven't decided who I trust enough to investigate it."_ _

__"Let Lee do it," Sakura said immediately. Tsunade raised her eyebrows. Sakura shrugged, though there was a hard determination in her eyes. "If there's anything to find, he'll do his best to find it. He's been obsessed with Itachi since he was brought in, so he'll look for every shred of evidence there could be."_ _

__"And if he leaves something out to implicate Uchiha as innocent," Neji asked._ _

__"Do you trust Lee _at all?_ More than anyone else, Lee would want to find the truth and see justice served, whether it was Itachi's fault or not," Sakura argued, lip curling slightly. _ _

__"I trust him to be gung ho and overlook something," Neji argued back, scowling at her._ _

__"If you think Lee will be able to find all the information, and properly present it, then you should assign him to do it... But if you think it's only a distraction for him, then don't," TenTen said directly to Tsunade, "I trust Lee's judgement of things, Hokage-sama, but he seems sort of... _fragile_ right now. I don't want him to break."_ _

__Tsunade regarded her and dipped her head, "Very well. I'll consider it. If it comes down to it, I'll assign someone close to me to oversee Lee's actions."_ _

__No one looked completely comfortable with the idea, but they didn't speak up either. Tsunade dipped her head. "Sakura, I will speak with you about the hospital and Lee's treatment at a later time. Everyone _except_ TenTen and Naruto, you're dismissed."_ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A super talky chapter that didn't exist in my brain at all until it was written. 
> 
> I read a story on here (A Symbol of Subjugation) which had a some details about abuse and how shinobi dealt with that (it wasn't pretty.) There was no such thing as therapy in that story, mostly because that wasn't what it was about, but it made me realize that, for all the power shinobi hold, no one was smart enough to invent therapy (wtf.) I wanted to write something that showed the ramifications of having a mental illness (be it depression, disassociation, or whatever it may be) going unchecked.


	16. Covetious

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Rock Lee was her trial run, and while they were doing their best, if this went wrong, it could go very wrong._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A rare chapter from Itachi's point of view. Don't get used to it.

The reigning Hokage's shrewd eyes stuck to him. If Itachi could see any better, he might be put off by the way she made a sweeping assessment of him. He could feel the great _mass_ of her chakra, probably on par with the most talented jinchuuriki, should he want to test it. 

The Godaime Hokage was making sure Itachi understood his position. No matter how powerful his sharingan, no matter how powerful his ninjutsu or skilled his taijutsu, he would have to be willing to give nothing less than his life to escape. He would have to value whatever was waiting for him outside of the village more than his life.

"Where is Rock Lee?" he asked, after he felt they had stood in a faux staring match for long enough. Itachi could feel the slight fluctuations in her chakra that he took as surprise. Of course it must surprise her, since there was no evidence of his interest in the strange man. 

He probably shouldn't be taking interest in him, either. The only partner (friend? Confidante?) Itachi had ever had was Kisame, and for however eccentric he had been at times, there had been something about him that made sense at all times. Ten years Itachi's senior, he had been a comforting presence in the Uchiha's many years of living in unrest. 

Itachi accredited his semi-safe passage into adulthood to Kisame. He also blamed him for his unhealthy if silent desire to have someone by his side.

Rock Lee was not any of the things Itachi liked about Kisame. He pushed and prodded and pressed. He sometimes was silent, but obviously not to Itachi’s benefit. Sometimes he cried ( _sobbed,_ and what the _fuck_ was Itachi supposed to do with that?). Rock Lee left himself vulnerable and impenetrable at the same time. So obviously hiding something but not giving even a hint of what it might be away. 

Itachi was in dire need of entertainment.

“I didn’t think you took notice of who kept watch on you,” she said, patience in her voice barely covering her interest. Itachi debated whether he should mention that he would always be interested in someone who bested him in battle but didn’t kill him. Not that it had ever happened for either of them to know.

“Hard to ignore when he never ceases to find something to say,” he replied. The Hokage sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose. Itachi could relate. She grumbled something under her breath.

“Why are you interested in Lee,” she asked bluntly, “What about him made you ask about his whereabouts?"

Honestly, Itachi wasn't sure. There had been something... _happening_ in their short meetings that Itachi didn't like. Or maybe he did? When was the last time someone had trusted him? When was the last time a _Konoha_ shinobi no mono approached him without threat of death or murder in turn? When was the last time _anyone_ had cried in front of him, whether they meant to or not..?

"Because he brought me back to the place that I destroyed instead of killing me, like he should," Itachi replied, deciding to go with the answer he left out earlier.

"Because he shows you guilt and compassion in equal measure," she said, and Itachi could _feel_ the sharpness of her eyes on his cheek, "Do you think it's worth it?"

Itachi felt a twang of startling confusion hit him like a wave of nausea. Worth... what? What could he have to gain from Rock Lee's compassion? 

An audience with the Godaime Hokage, for one. Not something he needed, per se. A distraction from the looming threat that was possibly Sasuke's power, coming to strike and kill him without a second thought. A desire to know that, at the very least, Sasuke would have to come back to this place to get to him. 

Also not something he needed. He made it clear to Lee that he was prepared to die. 

So what was he getting in exchange? And what could possibly be worth defeat; worth imprisonment? Itachi had never seen a future for which he hadn't carefully manipulated the outcome. 

The Hokage seemed to come to a decision on her own, "I will take you to where Lee is now. I'm sure you're aware of your position, so don't make a fuss." She purposely tapped the cuffs around his wrist, and the strong, muting pulse coming from it reacted to her movements. He made a note that it was keyed into her, or perhaps she had invented it. 

His confusion increased at his request being granted. At the best, he thought he'd have been thrown back into the cell. 

He was led back out of the assigned and sealed room meeting room. Itachi walked carefully, but not slowly. It was enough for him to be imprisoned; letting them catch onto his near blindness was too much. Just as well, the Hokage wasted no time leading him, and the small spattering of ANBU guards, out into the street. 

Itachi ground his teeth. He was beholden to Konoha in every way, but surely being touted across the village in shackles was too much? He had escaped the village- for Sasuke, first and foremost, but- so that this would never occur.

What was it worth to him, this thing that was going on between himself and Lee? 

The night air was colder than Itachi had expected, biting at his uncovered hands. Itachi remembered Konoha winters enough to know it must be that time. It was a stark contrast to the balmy evening Lee had left, promising to return quickly. 

“Walk quickly. One thing the people of Konoha like is gossip,” the Hokage growled, and it was obvious she resented the sentiment. He filed away the information, stifling his surprise. Nothing should surprise him any longer, seeing as he was being allowed to go wherever Rock Lee must be. 

Itachi’s guess that Rock Lee was in the hospital was immediately proven right when the bright lights muddled his vision even more. They weren’t stopped by anyone or for any reason. He was brought up a few flights of stairs into a rather dark hallway.

“I’m not sure if he’ll be awake, but the likelihood is high,” she said, “I’m sure I don’t have to remind you again-”

“I can’t do anything more strange than leaving my prison cell to visit the person who put me there,” Itachi said blandly. The Hokage snorted and slid open the door. 

The soft glow of moonlight flitted across the bed on the far side of the room. Itachi narrowed his eyes, trying to focus more on the figure laying prone there. He could make out the sharp slope of a shoulder and narrow hips, but that was it. Rock Lee’s head sat as a black bob on white sheets. He moved forward to take a seat in the set of blocks he found to be a chair in front of Lee’s bed.

“Thirty minutes,” the Hokage said from near the door, “No more.”

“You’ll have to keep count then,” he murmured, “I seem to have forgotten my watch.”

Another snort. 

Itachi narrowed his eyes, trying to make out the face of the man before him. He could see some moon bleached tan skin, a thin wrist with it’s bones making their presence known. A shiver went down his spine, and he moved his eyes around the blurred face. Nothing was clear to him, not even with the sharp shadows falling in the moonlight. 

Nothing, except the deep black eyes Itachi so vividly remembered from the first and last time he had seen them. A feeling swooped down into his stomach, something he didn’t recognize, save for the time he knew fear. He knew he was not physically stronger, but much more cunning than Rock Lee. In a real battle, there would be no contest. Itachi ignored the feeling as indigestion.

“Are you a dream?” He murmured, but it was more deep than it should have been, like he had not been asleep a wink before then. 

“A nice greeting,” Itachi murmured. Lee sat up, slowly and deliberately. Itachi could feel the burn of eyes on his face, and a smaller burn on the back of his head. Moonlight slid off Lee’s shoulder, making his already dark face a massive black blob. Itachi focused on the dim light. 

“Please forgive me. I am losing track of time, so I cannot be sure,” he said, “You do not... look like I remember you.”

“It’s been almost a year,” Itachi replied, “You should have long since forgotten my face.” It was perhaps a specious argument, his own poor sight still recognizing what was, to him, a key feature on Lee’s face. Still, he had never _really_ seen him. 

“Impossible,” Lee said, and it sounded almost self-deprecating, “I do not forget a face, and I see you more often than is appropriate.”

A fizzle of disturbed energy ran up Itachi’s spine, and he narrowed his eyes. They ached at the motion, and nothing became clearer. “You’re saying..?”

“Are you real?” Lee whispered so desperately Itachi had no choice but to let the matter go for a moment, “I need to know if I am still in captivity. Hokage-donno’s vision came to me in the afternoon, and again in the dawn, and now it is night.”

“Where do you think you are?”

“Please," Lee's voice was tremulous, "I know you will not lie to me, even if it hurts me. If I am to die here..."

Itachi should feel suspicion. He should feel disgust or anger at knowing Lee was using him as a moral compass. Itachi was nothing more than a rogue who had made decisions that could have curled even the most foul man's lip. He should abhor and rage against the capture he'd been led to.

But the part of him- the part that remembered how it felt to be relied on, to be trusted, and have someone interested in his actions- relented. He wondered, idly, if Lee had ever done espionage, leveraging someone's tender feelings with his big eyes and freely pouring tears. It rankled him.

"This is Konoha. You're in the hospital."

Lee's body pressed forward, and it seemed he would fall off the bed and into Itachi's lap. "Do you know how long..?"

"I've estimated two weeks since I was told about your return," Itachi murmured. Lee's body did sag then, sliding back into the sheets as if he'd lost all his energy. 

"Fourteen _days_ ," he hissed, then let out a short puff of air that was more choke than laugh, "It feels like..."

They don't say anything. Itachi's loss for words were in direct line with his inability to offer comfort. Lee wasn't Sasuke, and he hadn't ever had to comfort a battle worn shinobi the way Lee always seemed to need. Lee sighed harshly.

"Thank you. I cannot say how relieved I am... How are you able to visit me?"

"The Hokage has been rather generous," Itachi replied, unable to keep from his voice his chary of her. She cleared her throat at the back of the room, but neither reprimanded nor joined the conversation. 

"Yes," Lee said, and his eyes practically flashed in the moonlight, "She is... probably watching me. I apologize for dragging you along."

Itachi narrowed his eyes, unwilling to ask knowing the suspect of his investigation was right behind him. She spoke in response, her usual rough voice nothing more than a sough in the quiet moonlight, "You continue to worry your friends, make poor mission decisions, and lie. I'm beginning to think you're being controlled by enemy nin."

Lee's head rolled on his neck, and he sat back up to lean into Itachi's space. The strong smell of antiseptic could not cover up a body that had been lying prone for two weeks, even over the faint smell of antibacterial soaps Lee had used to keep himself clean. There was a hint of something; wet soil, fallen pine needles at the end of spring, the faintest hint of a flower's petals beginning to rot.

Lee's usually high voice dropped two octaves as he said, "What happened to your face?"

Itachi froze for only a fraction of a second, then coolly sat back farther, "Quite the compliment. What does it look like for you to ask such a thing..?" Those watchfully, burning eyes had returned, sweeping their heat across his face again as if to drink it all in.

"I could not be sure because there is little light, but I can see it... Your skin has turned yellow after the bruises. Who was it?” Lee asked, “Even if you do not tell me, I will figure it out.”

Itachi wondered if he should consider playing innocent. The bruises on his face had felt healed, and the Hokage hadn’t made any outward mention of them. It had been a couple of weeks- the time Itachi suspected Lee had been back in the village. Itachi hadn’t planned to passively let those ANBU get away with the abuse, but he hadn’t planned to tell Lee about it. 

“The horse, the ox, the hare, the falcon, the dog, _the pig,”_ Lee chanted.

"It's none of your business," Itachi said sharply feeling the familiar anger shoot back up his spine.

"Rock Lee, can you hear me," the Hokage said behind them. Lee didn't make any outward motion of recognizing her voice. 

He spoke loudly in the dark, over them both, his teeth glinting in the pale light like the pearls of a shark oyster, his tone still that low roll, "If you had chosen to fight anyone else, maybe it would not have been _their_ business. But no matter how you deny me, I will do what I can for you."

"Why?" Itachi practically shouted, though for him that meant just putting more emphasis on the end of the word. 

"Because that is what friends do!"

"Friends," Itachi deadpanned, his anger suddenly cooling to something icy. 

"Yes," Lee said weakly, all his strength wicked from the last statement, "Do you dislike it..? My offer of friendship."

"That's what friends do for each other..?" Itachi asked rhetorically. Shisui, though his cousin, had been his very best friend, and Izumi... He didn't like to think about her. "I'm guessing you'll have about as good a chance of enacting revenge on an ANBU as I do of being released."

"I am not going to take revenge..! Although, as a counterargument, you _are_ here now, so... Maybe the chance is greater than you think," he murmured, tilting his head enough that the light caught the column of his throat. Itachi's eyes landed on the shine, making out cords of his SCM in a rare moment of clarity. 

“Then who shall I take revenge on for you?” Itachi asked in quiet sarcasm. Lee paused for so long that Itachi could feel the discomfort radiating off of the Hokage. There was the soft sound of someone licking their lips. 

“I-I do not believe in revenge,” Lee murmured.

“That’s not an answer to my question,” Itachi said softly, closing his eyes as he felt them ache. “So, either you have too many people you want to take revenge on, or... You’re not sure whether to say out loud who it is.”

“Or I could be wondering what kind of friend you think I am,” Lee said almost too easily, “I do not believe in revenge. On behalf of others, or myself.”

“So what do you intend to do?”

“What do you mean?” Lee asked, sitting up straight. Itachi could see his long legs folding themselves into one another and becoming a sharp, dark mass. 

“About the perpetrator, if there is one. What do you intend to do about them?” Itachi asked. It would be amusing to hear the other young man wax poetic about righteousness or better yet, something simple like-

“I will simply ask them not to do such a thing again. It dishonors Konoha, and their reputation.” 

Itachi almost laughed. Almost. “And when that doesn’t work?”

Lee was silent again, that dramatic pause he liked to hold when he thought something might not be appropriate to say aloud. Those moments had been dwindling between them, save for the times Lee wanted to share something important with Itachi without giving away anything about the village. 

It dawned on Itachi that the Hokage was not using Lee to crack _him,_ but vice versa. The person Itachi knew was not what he presented to others, or perhaps something new that his friends and mentors were not completely comfortable with. It was a shame, because part of Itachi... well, he didn’t _like_ him, per say, but he was interested, at the very least, in the person before him. The person he barely knew. Part of him regretted letting himself be dragged into this, but another part, the part that was used to calculating and evading, wanted to know what the outcome would be.

“I will simply... convince them that doing such things in the future are not in their best interests,” Lee said, so softly it was like he was using someone else’s voice to talk. Itachi raised his eyebrows. 

“Doesn’t that sound like a threat to you?” He asked gently.

“No," Lee said simply.

Itachi ground his teeth. He thought about what he wanted to say next for a moment, weighing the consequences of the Hokage being privy to the conversation without Lee the wiser (something he would be sure to figure out later on.) Lee was playing unfair game even unknowingly, and Itachi had not sworn secrecy between them. It would be a sort of vindication, if Lee acted as Itachi thought he would and outed himself. 

"Then, the bruise I saw on the back of your neck those weeks ago," he murmured, "Who did it?"

Itachi could hear Lee freezing more than he could see it. His breathing slowed and stopped along with the faint motion of his shoulders. It was a bluff in the worst of ways. Itachi hadn't seen a bruise so much as a black mark marring the line of the outrageously green outfit. He'd thought it was a necklace or thong given to Lee as a gift, one of the many things he so said he received from others gratefully after he helped them in some way or the other. Lee had just given himself away- a terrible liar through and through. He rethought his idea that Lee could do espionage. 

Itachi counted to thirty waiting for a response, but still none came. 

"Even if you do not tell me," he mocked, "I will find out."

"I," Lee gasped, and Itachi could hear the way his body jerked into motion, "I am... I can... There is nothing..."

"If we are fighting each other's battles, in show of good faith, you may as well be honest," Itachi said.

"Is it because I am weak?" Lee asked, his voice so small and wet with tears that Itachi felt a jolt in the pit of his stomach. The feeling twisted into sickness, and he grit his teeth around it. "Is that why I could not..? I-I tried to... I did not want to... I do not know, I..."

Itachi reached out his hand to the moonlight draping Lee in a solemn mantle. It cut a shadow cross his already dark image, giving the impression the Itachi was holding him without touching. From such a short distance, Itachi could feel Lee trembling, the way his face clenched itself tight to keep in tears. From the small sounds Itachi could hear of the tears touching dull fabric, it didn't work. Again, he was at a loss for how to comfort such a person in need, so all he could think to say was about battle strategy.

"If it's a battle you can't win, then run."

"Is it not shameful to run when you can fight?"

If Itachi were a lesser man who couldn't live with his own decisions, he would be angry. "But you can't. There's no shame in running and living to fight again."

"Nngh," Lee's voice choked, and he shook his head, hair swiping Itachi's knuckles and fingertips, "I am here because I ran away."

"You ran too far," Itachi said impatiently, though he filed that information away for use later, "Run to a place you can rest, not into another fight."

Lee curled himself up, his breaths making desperate noises against his knees. Itachi had never been one to offer touch as comfort, even with Sasuke. It was hard for him to know what was right. They simply sat there as Lee shuddered through his crisis, Itachi's arm outstretched to the point of dullness.

"Time's up," the Hokage said from behind him, her presence strong and sudden by his shoulder. Itachi drew himself back reluctantly and stood. He waited, but it didn't seem as though Lee noticed the Hokage had summoned him. Even worse, it didn't seem as though he could stop crying. The Hokage made an impatient noise in her throat. 

"I'm going back," Itachi said, "Don't shirk your duties as my guard and end up here again."

Itachi turned away, letting himself be led to the door. 

"Uchiha-san," Lee's voice, small but stronger than even mere moments ago called him. He paused. "Thank you... For visiting me."

"Hn," Itachi snorted, but his stomach swooped again. The Hokage let them out silently. Itachi watched her slow gait, following behind just as sedately. 

They were silent for their entire slow journey toward the cell that awaited Itachi. When they began to re-enter the prison, the Hokage asked in a voice so low it's baritone resembled that of a man's, "You're not going to ask anything?"

"Will I get an answer from you?" He shot back. She snorted. 

"Smart kid."

Itachi didn't say that anything he wanted to know would make itself known slowly and surely by his own hand. 

"He doubts you're guilty of the massacre of your clan," Tsunade said conversationally. Itachi scoffed, though his stomach made knots for itself that he didn’t quite understand. 

"Unsurprising of a bleeding heart like him," he replied. Hokage let the prison guard go through the motion of signing her in and readmitting Itachi. They recovered Itachi's still murder bright eyes but didn't uncuff him. Itachi didn't question why she didn't drop him off at the doors and bid him goodbye, "Are you sure it's safe for you to break him with the truth? He can only find what he's looking for."

"I'm sure he will find the answer for both of you. Perhaps not a perfect solution, but one you can live with," she said, and Itachi could feel her watching him with eyes that let out much more of their shrewd nature than she thought first appropriate. 

"Guilt and compassion in equal measure," Itachi murmured, mostly to himself, but the Hokage let out a dry chuckle in response. 

"Exactly. If that brat's got anything going for him, I'll see you again before too long, Uchiha," she said, and with that, they were led in opposite directions.


	17. A Quiet Rain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“Or I could be wondering what kind of friend you think I am,” Lee said almost too easily..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, but the amount of retconning that I have to do for these chapters lately is getting ridiculous.

Lee stopped short, a powerful pain seizing his shoulder right at the rotator. It was like fire, seizing the carbon in his flesh and spreading down to his elbow. He clenched his teeth before a scream and held his position still. Still, the fire grew, and became sharp gashes he could feel across his skin as if he had been hit by Naruto’s Rasenshuriken. 

“Hey, Lee,” Naruto’s voice seemed to manifest from his head and coalesce right behind him. Lee felt locked. He let out a long, harsh sigh. He didn’t respond, simply closed his eyes. 

Lee was not a stranger to pain. After having his chakra paths mostly ruined as a child, and then having his arm and leg crushed by the now reigning Kazekage, he was used to being in pain. Dull throbs that reminded him of his mortality whenever he jumped too high or picked up something or someone a smidge too heavy. Sharp jolts like icicles seizing him at the joints whenever it rained- or worse- snowed. 

Those things had been nothing, compared to these past few weeks. Lee couldn’t count the times he’d lost his lunch to the pain seizing his intestines. And it showed no signs of easing or becoming tolerable, like before. 

Lee had been awake for thirty six hours. Even the sun, ever promising Lee a good day, thought it was too early to be awake yet. It was four o’clock in the morning.

"Naruto-kun... What brings you out so early?" He meant it to be calm, to be gently said in the dark dawn of the morning. Instead, his 't's were punctuated sharply by his pain. He came off irritated, which he never meant to be towards Naruto. Never. 

"Er... I couldn't sleep," Naruto admitted in the quiet dawn of the morning, "I was meditating and felt your movements."

"I... am sorry I disturbed you," Lee replied, still locked. The pain no longer grew in intensity, but throbbed, as if to show Lee it were living. He breathed with it, forcing himself to take on a calmer tone and demeanor.

"No, man. I ur... I was kinda... Y'know, feeling..."

"Lonely," Lee barely sighed aloud. The words hid from the morning, from the village, from the space between them. Naruto sighed harshly through his nose. 

"Yeah..." 

Lee opened his eyes. Naruto hadn't commented on his strange hold of position. He had probably seen Lee going through his taichi movements a handful of times; more than anyone else they knew. He didn't know this was not routine, and Lee was not about to alert him to it. 

"You are welcome to stay here, but I am not sure if I can be entertaining to you," Lee breathed through the pain. It would be a long while yet until it calmed. He hoped Naruto would remain dense enough not to notice.

"Nah, I've never needed that from you," Naruto scoffs, "I don't care if we don't say anything at all."

"... But if you have something on your mind, you may speak to me," Lee replied, because he could hear it. Naruto chuckled painfully. 

"Hehe... Nah, I was just... thinking about Sasuke again. Y'know. Wondering how he's doing."

"Hmm... Sometimes, no news is not bad news," Lee replied. The dull ache in his ankles from standing for so long sharpened into needles. It was like they fell asleep, but the lack of circulation was somehow punctuated by something darker. Something so cold it threatened to bite Lee's feet off from frost.

He clenched his jaw. 

"Yeah... Yeah... D'you..? I _know_ Sasuke has his own dreams and goals. We've talked about this before," Naruto laughed weakly, "But do you think I... pushed him to leave? He never made it seem like he would, before, but all of a sudden, when I became stronger, he..."

"Naruto," Lee snapped, though he didn't mean to, and he tried his best not to sound strained, "If Sasuke left because you became stronger, then that is _still_ not your fault. His jealousy and his desire for power did not allow him to witness your success. He could have stayed and been trained by some of the best teachers and shinobi, and he decided not to. That was _his_ decision. 

You must consider that not all decisions are made with the thoughts or efforts of others in mind, Naruto... Sasuke-san left because he was thinking of only himself."

"I... guess that's true. He was always a selfish bastard," Naruto muttered, taking a seat in the grass.

"Naruto-kun... I know you are doing your best so that Sasuke-san cannot leave you behind ever again. Do not be discouraged by what I said. I hope that you can make decisions that put yourself first as well," Lee mumbled, vision fading to black a bit. He closed his eyes again. There was a faint purple warmth there. Naruto was quiet, save for the sound of him picking sheaths of grass harshly and snapping them. It gave Lee time to breathe and try to rationalize through the pain. 

Lee wondered how long this could last. Every day, every week that Gai did not return from whatever mission he was on was one Lee sighed in relief, then grit his teeth in fear. Because Gai _would_ notice, and every shudder Lee allowed would make him even more happy; frenzied. 

Lee was panicking. At first, he’d taken the pain as a challenge. He had failed the mission, and to suffer was his consequence. Surely, with a proper diet and training, it would subside. As with many things in life, Lee was wrong. He was _miserable._ Time only seemed to make things worse. It had taken a full ten hours stint of him lying on his bathroom floor for him to think he’d be found, body locked from rigor mortis.

He also couldn’t let himself go on this way. If he went to the hospital to have them check him, he’d be forced to give up the mission he had just barely begun to work on. He _needed_ to be on this mission. Lee wasn’t smart, but he knew a solution would come to him sooner rather than later. 

A small voice, one that sounded as all his vices did, murmured that there was another option. The drug that had numbed him and barely gotten him home. The same drug he had brought back to show the Hokage, which was locked tightly in a sealed pack near the foot of bed. Internally, Lee shook himself. He would never stoop so low. 

Everything would be fine if he could just get back to his apartment and rest. He just had to wait Naruto out. It would be worth it; their friendship would be deepened and Naruto would come to rely on him more. He tried to encourage himself by thinking of times when he had voluntarily put himself through such pain. It was just hard to compare those two things, sometimes.

"Hey, Lee," Naruto crowed, voice rough as though he had cried loudly for a long time. 

"Yes, my dear friend?"

Naruto took a deep breath, and let his thoughts all out in a rush, "I know I’m not the smartest or the most cunning or whatever, but I’m like... Gah! I’m not good at this mushy stuff!

We’re _friends_ and if you’re feeling down then I’m feeling down too, so I want you to talk to me because I’m here if yah need me like you’re around when I need you!"

All the air got sucked from Lee's lungs. There was a numb quiet where even the birds couldn't penetrate the silence in Lee's head. Then, as though all the sound came rushing back in, so did some relief. The pain in his feet and ankles disappeared. At the same time, his knees unlocked and he fell to the ground. 

Naruto shouted wordlessly in surprise as Lee caught himself in with his hands so his body wouldn't crumple. His arm still hurt, but the throb muted under the rush of emotions that threatened him. Naruto scrambled to him, hands sliding up his sides to hold him upright. It was too much, too intimate. 

How long had it been since he had let someone hold him for the sake of it? It had been a long time since he had done his usual patrols in the city, finding and helping anyone who he could get his hands on, relishing the sweet smiles and laughter that were sent his way. It had been even before this last mission... Sadness gripped his throat, burned his eyes, made his chest shudder. 

“Woah! Er...! Are you sick? Want me to call Tsunade-baa? ” Naruto crowed. 

Hot tears spilled unbidden from Lee's eyes. He gasped, but what came out was a pitiful moan. 

"Lee, is it-..? Do you need me to-? Um- uh!" 

Shame washed over Lee in powerful waves. He cried hard enough to make his chest ache and head hurt. He wished he could push down the tears; to make it seem a happy coincidence instead of what it really was. 

"No," he cried, "No." 

“Talk to me, man... _Please,”_ Naruto begged, but Lee couldn’t. In his mind, he could see Kakashi’s impassive face, his grey-brown eye staring calculatively at Lee in the silence. He could hear his cold voice, asking Lee if he loved his sensei; telling him that he should save his lies, because they served no one.

It shamed him to be so afraid of what Naruto might say or do. It was not his way to hide from someone because of something like this. Kakashi’s face loomed, and Lee was reminded every day that Naruto was his student- his ward to learn from when he’d had no one else, before Jiraiya. They were similar in ways of thinking, even if no one else could see it.

_What did you do to deserve it?_ Naruto’s phantom asked him, What did you do to stop it?

What if Naruto _didn't_ question it? What if Naruto became so angry about the situation, like Lee sometimes did, that he sought Gai out? Would they fight? One or both of them could die. Lee didn’t want that. He _never_ wanted to kill his teacher, he just wanted him to _stop._

Lee gnashed his teeth around the sound of his own misery, but still a hollow moan came out. Naruto still gripped his sides. Lee’s world began to fizzle and fade, with only the sounds of Naruto’s hoarse encouragement swaying around him. He stayed there and sobbed like that for too long. 

Naruto didn’t leave his side, even when his tears stopped and his face felt crusted from them. “It’s okay. I got yah. We’re friends. I’m not leaving,” he soothed. Lee took shuddering breath after breath until he knew he could no longer cry. 

His arm had stopped hurting. He opened his eyes, and was surprised to find a soft golden light had filtered into the clearing, giving the space more shape and life. The dew of the morning glistened as a sea of loving white-green gems. Lee sat back on his heels, and Naruto guided him. He wiped his face with his dirty hands.

“Lee- I... Are you-..?”

“I am so sorry, my friend,” Lee said, and his voice was hoarse from groaning. He frowned at himself and wiped his eyes again. “I lost myself there.”

“If you want-”

“I do not... I am okay. The youthful spirit of your admission overwhelmed me,” Lee murmured, trying to give a truth but not the _reason,_ “I was... unable to properly control myself.”

“Yeah,” Naruto nodded, peering at him a bit, “But I can talk with you about it, if you want. I mean, you’re always around for me, so-”

“Thank you, Naruto,” Lee sighed, “This is something I need to work out on my own. I apologize for burdening you suddenly like this.”

“It’s not a burden, _ttebayo!”_ Naruto shouted, his old expletive emerging in his state of panic, “We’re _friends.”_

Lee sometimes forgot that Naruto needed those affirmations. He leaned a bit to the side, craning his neck and smiling as best he could at his friend, “That is right, Naruto. You are one of my closest companions. If it is not too much trouble, could you help me get home?”

“Of course,” Naruto said, his voice still loud but register less panicked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter was getting too big so I split it in two. Let’s hope it doesn’t take me a month to post the other part.


	18. Wick's End

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Everything would be fine if he could just get back to his apartment and rest._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I might have put this in the last chapter, but I changed chapter six and nine, introducing a crucial character. Please go back and read them, since this will make more sense.

There were sounds that could only be heard when everything was quiet, Lee found. Things like his own breathing, the tick of the analog clock about his kitchen doorway, the hiss of his commode, begging the superintendent to deal with it once and for all. Things like this creak of the floorboards when he breathed deeply, the gentle cry for telling it's age and begging Lee to sleep. 

These sounds varied from time to time. For example, in the middle of the night, when most if not all of the village found itself dead asleep, the call of night owls catching their terrified prey was at its loudest. If it were the summer time, roosting animals and bugs would give their dainty cries before dusk or dawn. 

Lee imagined these sounds as he swept in and out of wakefulness. He tried to find a sense of peace in them, when the pain ebbed enough to let his consciousness swim. He imagined himself swaddled in the blanket of an owl’s downy wings, imagined his own breathing was Itachi’s, a metronome of rest, not promising him peace but letting him have it for a moment. 

He imagined the darkness of the prison, the hiss of his commode a tangle of venomous snakes choking him. He imagined their fangs piercing his back, his hands, injecting their poison and making everything burn hotter than forest fire, freeze colder than the depths of the ocean. He imagined them wrapping their slimy limbs around his wrist and ankles, and hissing, _'I love you so much, my precious student.’_

Lee snapped his eyes open. He was drenched in sweat, lay sprawled across the rug he had on his living room floor. The ticking of his clock was just as loud as his breathing. The faint sound from the bathroom had stopped, but it would not be long until it started again. 

Light from the window on the far side of the room shined into Lee’s eye. He was far warmer than he felt comfortable being, and suspected he was beginning to stink. The superintendent had probably turned on the heat, knowing that people would be coming home at this time for midday lunch. He could hear the sounds of shuffling and lunch bells ringing, signaling a break in the work day. 

Lee took calming breaths until he was ready to pull or peel himself from the floor. He felt dizzy from dehydration and barely enough sleep to keep him going for however many more hours. Though he knew he should drink water, he opted instead for a shower. The rush of semi-cool water helped to ground him and give him direction. 

When he entered his kitchen, a glance at the clock told him it was already noon. Any plans he had for training or meditation or anything of the sort was abandoned as soon as he saw it. He was grateful Naruto had left him at his home the morning before instead of insisting on staying. Lee glanced toward his bedroom door, where his pack from his mission sat still unpacked by the foot of his bed. Within it was the drug he meant to inform the Hokage about. 

Something in his mind told him to hold off. He warred with that thing now, wanting to be a dutiful shinobi, but not yet willing to admit the full truth of his mission.

Lee shook himself. He would have to tell her sooner than later. Just not today. His mind was exhausted enough without verbally recounting that hellscape of dreams he had slung himself through just to get back. 

He hoped a walk would take his mind off his ever rising anxieties. 

Without his obvious goal in his head for once, Lee's feet and heart led him more than his head and mind. He could spend more time in Records and Collections, trying to work out more information on the massacre, but he disliked aimlessly searching for things. Besides which, he knew his restless, pained energy was starting to get on the Master Scribe’s nerves. 

A very large part of Lee wanted to go see Itachi. He trusted that what they had shared all those nights ago hadn’t been a dream. At the same time he was absolutely mortified that it hadn’t been. He had been sharing bits of himself with Itachi that he hadn’t shared with anyone else, not even TenTen, not even Inoue. That night had been the closest he’d ever come to saying the truth. He didn’t want to burden Itachi with that (although he suspected he had already started, and thus he vowed to stop.) 

Without those destinations, he walked aimlessly, slowly, deliberately trying not to exacerbate his pain. The villagers he knew (quite a lot of them, he should realize), greeted him as he passed by. His feet took him on, with a few people plopping bags and baskets and carafes in his arms and saying, “If you’re headed that way, be sure to give this out!”

Those people- and Lee’s feet- knew where he was headed before even he did. He had made it almost across town from his apartment, to where steady strings of orphanages and care homes were neatly aligned in barely acknowledged rows. Children threw stones at one another, ignoring the heckling of peers at least seven times their age. The elderly sat beneath shawls made of furs or patchworks, obviously done by some of the unskilled hands of the orphans now running by their ankles.

Lee felt tears of relief build up in him, his chin wobbling as he passed by another set of children playing samurai with worn wooden sticks as their elders told them to straighten their backs. A sense of familiarity so strong washed over him that he couldn't help but automatically think he had made it home. 

“Lee-kun! You’re back!” A gaggle of children almost academy age scrambled up to his knees, grinning mischievously. One boy, characterized as being from the Yamanaka clan by his white blond hair, beamed up at him, “See I told you he wasn’t _dead!”_

A boy with darker hair, with taller and surlier traits Lee associated with the Aburame clan, scowled at them both, “Yeah, whatever. I heard it was a close call.”

Lee felt a twinge of guilt. It _had_ been a close call, and though he was always prepared to die in the service of Konoha, it was unbecoming of him to leave these little one without warning. He should figure out a way to set something up, just in case. He was planning to go back to active duty, after all.

“It’s Lee- _san_ to you, Indra,” one of the elders called, and Lee turned to peer up at him. He smiled when his eyes landed on Inoue’s surly form. He was wrapped in a tsumugi, pieced together from scraps of thick wool, probably from other tsumugi. 

“Ye- _ees,_ Inoue-sama," Indra groaned, rolling his eyes up at Lee to try and lock eyes. Lee blinked and smiled at him, refusing to play any offensive games. He smiled at Inoue as well. 

"Good afternoon, Yamanaka-sama," he crowed, bowing ninety degrees, relieved when not even a throb graced him, “Do not be so hard on Indra-kun. He’s a good boy.”

"OoOoOh, a _good boy,_ " one of the other children squealed. Indra went bright red, and though he huffed and hawed at his peers, his eyes were shiny bright when he looked back up at Lee. 

"He should know better by now," Inoue grumbled.

“You say this, but you reprimand me for being _too_ formal,” Lee rebutted, winking at Indra. The boy grinned impishly up at him. Lee held out one of the baskets in his arms. Indra took it, doing little to curb his curious nature by opening its lid to see what it held. Other children scuttled forward, taking what they could from Lee’s arms. 

“Be sure to give them to the Housekeeper,” Lee said seriously, “This is an important mission. Can I trust you with it?”

Raucous courses of agreement sounded in the street. The kids raced away, betting who could reach the house the fastest with more weight. The dark haired boy with the poor attitude stepped up, taking one of the last packages from Lee’s hands, perhaps with more force than strictly necessary. 

“Thank you, Shindo-kun,” he said softly. The preteen grumbled to himself as he flounced off in the direction of his other housemates. 

“Hmph,” Inoue sniffed, “No respect for your elders, the lot of you. Aren’t you supposed to be resting?”

“I have long since been released from the hospital, you know,” Lee said. Inoue’s sharp eye gave him a once over, and Lee suddenly felt very small. He bowed his back and hunched up his shoulders. He had felt reinvigorated when he saw those children, but he must look exhausted. “I was becoming restless and decided a walk was my best option. Would you care to join me?” 

“Must I humor you every time you decide to pay me a visit?” he teased. Lee was sure he meant it as a tease, anyway. Still, it didn’t take away from the sharp twinge he felt upon hearing it. 

“I-If you do not want to, I can-”

"If we're walking, get a move on," Inoue called, already farther down the street than Lee realized. The mousy young man who had been caring for Inoue last time stepped out to take the bags of goods Lee had slung about his arms. The young man huffed and nodded towards the old man. Lee gave his thanks and hopped to catch up, still slightly afraid of what might happen if he took off full tilt. 

"How have you been, Yamanaka-sama," Lee asked gently as he popped to a slower gait by his side. 

"Drop the formalities," the older man said blandly, “And don’t treat me as if I’m so old I’ll fall apart from a gust of wind.”

Lee didn’t think that was true at all. "I simply want to show you the utmost respect."

"Then do as I ask and don't make me repeat myself every time we see one another."

"Hai, Ya-... Inoue-sama."

Inoue snorted, keeping his gait slow. He wasn't one to usually take the slow and steady route, preferring to use his cane and walk beside Lee's wide strides as though it were a challenge. Lee peered around for the telltale cane, but could not find it. He offered his elbow without a word. Inoue scoffed. 

"I said-"

"Please think of this as an apology for missing our previous appointments," Lee said, "Or, at least, have pity on me." 

Inoue gave him a strange look. "You're just as crippled as I am. You expect me to lean on you when you're barely holding yourself up?"

"Can we not rely on one another?" Lee asked, shamefaced. He understood completely why Inoue was against taking the help. Inoue had been stripped of his family, not because they were dead, but because they simply refused to look after him. Not that he needed much looking after; he had been an intelligent shinobi in his younger year, and an excellent craftsman as of late (though not without Lee's supervision, something they both failed to understand the need for and Inoue resented.)

Despite the bowing of his spine and the pains in his knees and toes, he was still a strong man. He had left his cane for a reason. Lee had never treated him as crippled or small or inferior. That was one of the reasons why he was tolerated. If Inoue really didn't want to be helped or touched, Lee would do nothing but follow his orders. 

Yet, Lee had a need for something he couldn't quite express to Inoue without hinting at the larger problem. That was as good as revealing what the root was, under Inoue’s keen sense.. He didn't dote on Lee, but he sure didn't let Lee ignore his own troubles. 

"Hmph," Inoue sniffed again, grabbing Lee's arm in a bruising grip, "Don't complain to me later when you collapse of fatigue."

"How have you been, Yama- Inoue-sama? Were you able to find help in my absence?" Lee said, still feeling guilty that he had missed their appointments. Inoue's business relied a lot on the bare help others offered, fetching him hulking bolts of fabric or thread, cutting, folding and organizing, and even modeling (thought Lee hadn't been asked to do _that_ yet, for which he was grateful.) When he was in town, Lee usually carried the bulk of that work out, happy to exchange his labor for good food for the children to eat. 

"Inadequate," he grumbled, tugging Lee's arm in frustration and also to lead him away from a street Lee had been eyeing, "It can't be helped. I'd have to hire ten people to do the work you do in a day."

Lee blushed, secretly feeling pleased all the way down to his toes, "Th-that cannot be true. I am still only one person."

"A person who is stronger than a healthy young ox," Inoue said, some of his good nature slowly returning, "Accept the compliment, so you don’t fall into the realm of arrogance.”

Lee dipped his head, “Thank you, Inoue-sama! I will do my best to make up for my absences in the coming weeks!”

Inoue gave him a skeptical look, “Have you been given a leave of absence?” He snorted, “Finally that child has the sense to give you young ones a break every so once in a while.”

Lee twisted his mouth, wishing he could affect a smile but knowing he just looked awkward, “I was given leave for my injuries... I am also working on a mission within the village.” 

“Does it have anything to do with that Uchiha boy you brought in?” Inoue asked casually. Lee tensed up, head careening to see if anyone had heard him. He stooped down slightly to get closer to the old man. 

“W-w-who told you that?”

Inoue rolled his eyes, “I’ve told you a million times over, you should know how many mouths share things with me. _You’d_ know all about it if you agreed to be my successor." 

“Inoue-sama, please do not say that. Your son is a very capable man, and he’d be more than happy to take over for you,” Lee replied. They had this conversation many a time, and it never failed to send Lee’s gut falling and then sweeping up with pride. While it was true he’d spent much of his life following Inoue around, learning his craft (admittedly just to have someone pay attention to him back then), he didn't think he was quite ready to take over the expenses or be the head of such an enterprise. 

Inoue gave Lee a sharp look. His jaw flexed, and Lee waited on baited breath for a reprimand for his mistake. Inoue’s voice was low enough not to brook any argument, “We both know what I think about my son.”

Lee veered away from the topic, “I only meant to say that I am not ready to take on such a responsibility. I am more than happy to assist you when I can.”

"You can start by not being so vague. This is a matter that you need help with," Inoue said, giving his arm a squeeze. Lee chewed his lip wondering how he should talk about his circumstance. He knew if anyone could help him with his investigation, it would be Inoue. He couldn’t disregard, however, the probability that someone in the village had orchestrated the cover up of the truth. If things went _right_ Inoue would be in trouble, depending on if the person was still in the village or not... Depending on if it had been only one person. Lee couldn’t repay his years long kindness with such danger.

“Oh cut that disgusting habit,” Inoue tutted, “You wear every thought in your brain on your face. Save me the pretense of being rude and say what you’d like, so that I might make a deal.” 

The street they were making their way down was covered in carefully selected

Lee twisted his mouth into a frown, “You do not know what I am going to say.”

“Don’t pout,” Inoue laughed, patting Lee’s arm once more before he shuffled away to sit on the only dilapidated bench in the village; hidden by an overgrown blue moon wisteria, made ghostly white by the dry winter. It’s petals were almost all gone, but one good rain or heavy snow and it would be all free and clear. “You wear everything so readily. I can’t help but tease you. So, you want my help finding the truth for your new friend.”

Lee shuffled for a moment before taking a heavy seat beside his companion. Reluctantly he nodded, “... Yes.”

“And you know I am a shinobi until my dying breath- so of course I make no deals without a reward in return,” Inoue commented, patting his hand again, “Throw this old man a loop and come live with me.”

They’d had this conversation time and again, always with Lee dodging and avoiding a definite answer. It was the kind of responsibility and fealty that Lee could see himself agreeing to, physically, but there were too many factors to worry about. “Inoue-sama... We have talked about this before.”

“Ah, but never when you had anything worth bargaining for,” Inoue-smiled crookedly, something that made Lee believe he might have been most deadly in his youth.

“It will not last! I will go back to active duty sooner rather than later, and then you will be forced to go back to the care home!"

"I'm not so incompetent as to be caught once I've been freed," Inoue tapped his temple, closing one eye and widening that viscous tooth-eyed thing. Lee pressed his lips together, trying his hardest not to bite them. If Inoue was helping him, things would go twice as fast as they had been. Knowing the elder man's efficiency, perhaps ten times as quickly. The possibilities of danger could be alleviated if Lee could keep a close watch on Inoue. Easily done now that he'd been confined to the village. 

Mind made up, even before all the rationalities, Lee firmly said, "I have one condition."

"Are you really in such a position?" the old man asked.b Lee stared at him. He stared long and hard, until he could see throat tremble with the need to talk. 

"Yes. You want your home back more than I want your help." Lee did not say that he honestly _needed_ the help. He probably didn't have to, seeing the way Inoue's eyes shone in the pale sunlight. Inoue snapped a bloom of flowers off the tired bramble behind them, shaking away wind-bleached petals mercilessly. 

"Now, you are thinking like a shinobi," he laughed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is my baby, more than anything else I have written, so I'm struggling to articulate. Should I make a show Lee struggling to make the decision to take the drug, or should I just have him take it?
> 
> I'm looking for an editor or proofreader or motivator, if anyone's interested.


End file.
